World's Greatest Invention: The Disposable Diaper

Now I’m sure the “haters” out there are just gonna say that this is a slight variation of my tissue post. And to them I say, yea…there’s some truth to it, but they can always go fuck themselves. And if ya’ll don’t like that, ya’ll can check out the new complaint form.

In any case, the Juice suffers from a horrible affliction. There ain’t no hope. And there ain’t no cure. What is it? What is the Juice’s malady? Simply, too many children. I had my first way back in 97. My latest (and god willing, last), Lucifer recently turned 2. If you do the math, you’ll see that’s 8 years of diapers. EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OF DIAPERS. But it ain’t over for the Juice just yet. Cause Lucifer ain’t no where near bein’ potty trained. The Juice is in, what I like to refer to as, the Decade of Diapers. Sure, Lucifer will be probably be potty trained before 2007. Or, should I say, he better be. But the Juice, however, is gonna still refer to it as the Decade of Diapers. Whatta ya gonna do? Sue me cause I’m a year short? Fuck you.

Bein’s that I’ve spent so much time with the diaper, the Juice has really come to appreciate it. It is truly one of the world’s greatest inventions. The disposable diaper was “invented” Marion Donovan. I tell ya, this chick deserves the highest spot in heaven. I swear to the Christ, after you invented something like the disposable diaper, you should be given a free pass for everythin' for the rest of your life. If there’s anything you want? You got it. Anything you need? No problem. Someone gettin’ on your nerves? Kill ‘em! Sorta like:

“Ma’am, I’m placing you under arrest for attempted murder of that man.” The officer said to the woman, placing handcuffs on her. An unconscious man was lying on the floor, an iron skillet next to his head.

“But…but, he was getting on my nerves! He wouldn’t shut the fuck up.” The woman pleaded.

“You can’t just kill someone cause they’re getting’ on your nerves.” The officer replied, tightening the handcuffs

“But…but…I invented disposable diapers.”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a second. You’re the inventor of disposable diapers?” The officer steps aside, releasing her. He reached down to pick up the skillet. “By all means, let me get out of your way. Kill that pain in the ass.”

Can you imagine livin’ way back when and havin’ to wash the shit out of cloth diapers? Fucketh thateth, the Juice sayeth. I wouldn’t go near a diaper either, if I had to deal with that shit, as it were. Let me tell ya somethin’. The Juice has seen some foul, foul diapers. The kind that would make a lesser man (like yourself) cry. I couldn’t imagine a cloth diaper filled with some of the crap I’ve seen in a disposable diaper.

“Supposedly”, disposable diapers are bad for the environment. How could 18 billion of anything possible be bad for the environment? Especially sittin’ in land fills. But, whatta ya gonna do? Use cloth diapers? Please…

So, here’s to the disposable diaper, one of the world’s unsung heroes. May you stay full of shit, so the Juice never has to…uhhh...wash it out of a cloth diaper?