Pitch a Bitch: The Mail In Rebate

The other day, the Juice is perusin’ his Best Buy ad. Cause if there’s one thing the Juice loves (besides hummers, and I ain’t talkin’ SUV here), it’s electronics. Technology gets the Juice all excited. This may, or may not, contradict some of the Juice’s early statements.

What can I say? The Juice, sometimes, is a fuckin’ liar. Like you’re not? How many times have you lied to your wife this week? “No, honey I’m not crankin’ off again.” Or “Yes, honey. I’d marry you all over again.” Or, the king lie of them all, "I love you , honey." The way the Juice sees it, if Star Trek fans can accept that Klingons were changed from this:



to this:



without any reasonable explanation, then ya can accept the Juice tellin’ a stretcher or two, once it awhile. Shit, you believe all the lies that the government feeds ya day in and day. Remember those WMDs?

But, I digress…

The Best Buy ad is sorta like Playboy to the Juice. Yea, I get a serious bone from it. Technology is a dirty, dirty mistress. If technology had a few holes, you best believe I’d be ass fucking it, instead of technology ass fucking me.

What I can’t stand about electronic store ads like BestBuy's, is this lil mind fuck game they play with ya. They advertise the price of an item real big. The computer makin’ companies are notorious for this tactic. Emblazon the price, then let the folkels know, in the small print, that the price is after mail-in rebate.


now that's some FINE print

I gotta tell ya, the mail-in rebate is the biggest scam ever. Ever. EVER!! It’s totally communist. Actually, it’s probably the most capitalist thing out there. Buy this item, and if you mail (if you remember to that is) in a copy of your receipt (if you didn’t already throw it out), plus your UPC (if you didn’t already throw the box out), plus your dead dog’s blood type, we’ll mail your money back. Ha Ha mother fucker. Don’t hold your fuck breath. ‘Cause unless the planets are alignin’, more than likely you ain’t gettin' dime one back.

With the Mail In rebate, there's just too many variables. The Post Office can't get a piece of mail from Pennslyvania to Florida without it bein' destroyed. And you're gonna trust that service with "your" money? You might as well just tell Dell thanks for the offer, but you can just keep my money.



Unlike folks who invent great shit, like the diaper or the tissue, the fucker who invented the mail in rebate should be drug through the desert on a horse with no name, nude. Or tossed into a fight between rabid monkeys and hungry piranhas. Or made to suffer through every last second of that stupid Sex and the City show for a year straight, with no commercial interruptions.


It ain’t just computer makers fuckin’ us. Thanks DirecTV!

And to all the stores who endorses the Mail in rebate, the Juice says “Fuck You!” Ya ain’t convincin’ no one to buy your shit with that fuckin’ tactic! Even folks who went to community college ain’t fallin’ for it. Ain’t no one goin’: “Oh, shit! I can finally buy that laptop that’s already dated ‘cause Compaq is danglin’ a sweet $15 rebate in my face.” The chances of ya gettin' that rebate are about the same as dude tellin’ a whore he's comin' in her mouth. In both cases, ya just take it and smile!