Partial Post-Holiday madness recap

Shit. It’s hard to believe that 5 days have passed since Thanksgivin’. That’s what pisses the Juice off about the holidays the most. One minute you’re knee in plannin’ every last second of your time off. The next? You’re right back in your fuckin’ cubicle, wishin’ that your PC would explode sendin’ you back to the Christ. Dang! I hate the fuckin’ holidays!

But, as much as the Juice hates Thanksgivin’, I hate Christmastime even more. Now, before ya start that fuckin’ Humbug shit, ask yourself this: Do you even know where “Humbug” came from? The Juice is willlin’ to wager dollars to donuts that ya can’t name the title or the author of the book that “Humbug” is known from. The Juice ain’t callin’ ya stupid…well, yea I am.

I’m just sayin’ that Christmastime has become way too ridiculous. It’s not so much the Christmas part the Juice severely dislikes, it’s the “time” (and I ain’t frontin’ on Morris Day, here) that makes the Juice want to club baby seals with a studded, rusty, 3 prong tire iron. Before ya start sendin’ me your nasty emails callin’ the Juice a pagan, let me explain. Even though the Juice ain’t a religionist, the Juice is fairly down with the Christ. I don’t claim to know him personally, or professionally for that matter, but what little I do know of him (which is probably the same amount as this clown), Jesus seems to have the goods together, and the ducks in a row. Kinda like Superman, but in a real, non cape wearin', historical way.

So, how do we go from tryin’ to recognizin’ an upstandin’ citizen to complete and utter chaos? It’s pretty fucking amazin’ if ya think about it. But, believe you me, you’re better off not thinkin’ about it.

I don’t quite understand the concept of people waitin’ in line to get into a store. Especially, at 4 in the morning. Don’t you folks have anything better to do? Like sleep? Or fuck? Or write me hate mail? WTFMFF!?!?!? What’s even cooler than people waitin’ in line, like they’re waitin’ to get onto Dumbo, are the fist fights that break out. Especially over a fuckin’ laptop. Ya know that the folks at Wal-Mart purposely under order this shit, right? They do it so they can watch the madness on the surveillance cameras and have a laugh.

Know what the problem is? If ya did, ya probably wouldn’t be here. The problem is that "they” took prayer outta school. If kids were prayin’ in school, this Black Friday madness would never happen. 'Cause we all know it couldn’t have anything to do with the constant barrage of advertisements, every last second of the day. Makin’ ya want more and more, ‘til you’re so empty, ya just want to sit in a corner and drink another 40.

But, I digress…

I know. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’: “Why do you care, the Juice? You’re smarter than that. You would never wait in the pre-dawn hours just to get into a store to buy shit.” And you would be absolutely right in thinkin’ that. Expect, that you’re not. Cause the Juice was out not-so bright, but real fuckin’ early Friday mornin’. Waitin’ in line at my local Target. Yea, I know that it seems an awful lot like the Juice is a hypocrite. And, more than likely, you’re right. But, the Juice don’t give fuck one what you think. If ya got a problem with that, I suggest you check out the Dissertation Station Complaint form. Satisfaction guaren-damn-teed!

The Juice had a perfectly good reason to miss out on at least 3 hours of sleep to get up at 5:30 in the am, to meet my buddy Paco Reban at Target at 10 of 6 in the mornin’. I can sum it up in one word: Lego Millennium Falcon! Were talkin’ snowtrooper, here! This set is one of the Juice’s holy grails (to blaspheme another religious icon. Don’t get all high and mighty with the Juice. How many times didja think impure thoughts about that sexy piece of ass in the short skirt you saw pumpin’ gas this mornin’? far be it for the Juice to remind ya, that even if you’re only thinkin’ it, it’s still a sin). When ya clicked on the link, didja check out that price of the Falcon? $99.99? That’s a whole lotta scratch that the Juice couldn’t justify in a zillion years to the missus. So, the Juice did what he always does…suffered another boner. All the excitement, none of the release. Just another item on a long list of shit the Juice ain’t ever gonna get.

Then, huzzah!!!! Fucking Target’s got the Falcon on sale for $49.99! Well, thank you Jesus (as it were). The only thing is, that it was on sale on Black Friday morning. Mother Fuckers!!!! So, the Juice did the unthinkable, and got up early and waited with the rest of the sheep outside Target.

At least the Juice can say that I wasn’t waitin’ in line to buy Christmas presents. That would be incredibly stupid. No, the Juice waited in line to buy hisself something. I’m not sure that makes it any better, but I like to think it does.

Stop back tomorrow, for a more in-depth holiday weekend recap. Just, don’t make it tomorrow.