My two cents

Rate commission approves 2-cent postage rate increase

Let’s congratulate the Post Office for gettin' through another stamp increase. I mean, this “semi-independent federal agency” is hemorrhagin’ cash left and right, right?

the Juice was almost gonna let this one go. I mean, c’mon?!?! Bitchin’ about the price of stamps is like bitchin’ about the price of gas, the price of popcorn at the movie theatre and the price of Chex Mix. What are ya gonna do? Not drive? Put corn oil in your gas tank? Let’s face it folks, we’re just slaves to the man. Likewise with the price of stamps. Again, what are ya gonna do? Not mail your bills? Oh, you must be one of those folkels who use the Internet to pay their bills, right? Fuck the Post Office, right? Oh yea. That’s real safe. We all know about the strict safety standards on the Internet. It’s such a great idear to put all you bankin’ info right where some 15 year old pimple face can get to it in less than 3 keystrokes. Call the Juice old fashioned, but I’ll stick to the mail.

Besides, every time there’s a stamp increase, everyone starts cryin’. Boo fuck hoo. Ever since Ben fuckin' Franklin became Post Master General numero uno, people been bitchin’ about the Post Office. What’s the Juice gonna do? Bitch some more? What’s the use, besides another ulcer. And I’ve got plenty o’ kids to take care of that, thank you very much.

But, then the Juice started pokin’ around on the Internet (isn’t the Internet great? I mean, where else could you find shit like this). And that’s when the Juice started gettin' a touch miffed. It’s not so much the increase that annoys the fuck outta the Juice. If they need the money, fine they need the money. But, ya gotta wonder about some of the Post Office’s practices. Now, that’s the shit that annoys the Juice. Like, why does the Post Office advertise? It’s the only game in town, right? It’s not like there’s a Halliburton Post Office or anything. Maybe the Juice should keep his trap shut sometimes. Some folks don’t need no new idears.

I know. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’: “But, the Juice. The Post Office is advertisin’ it’s other services. Like Express Mail. And Priority mail. They have to compete with UPS and FedEx for customer’s dollars in that regard.” First off, if that’s what you’re thinkin’, you need some serious consultation. Don’t you have anything better to think about? Secondly, Express mail or Slow Ass mail, it doesn’t matter. The Post Office doesn’t need to advertise. See the Post Office is a quasi-governmental agency (I got to tell ya, the Juice has been dyin’ to use that expression for soooo dang long. I hear everyone else usin’ it. “Quasi-this” or “Quasi-that”. It’s awesome! Try it. Say you’re at a bar and you see a hot chick. You go up to her. You strike up a conversation. She asks if you’re married. You tell her “Well, I’m Quasi-married.” Chicks, dig big words. Or is it big dicks? I always get it mixed up). And as a quasi-governmental agency, the Post Office is “suppose” to be a “revenue neutral” agency. What the fuck does “revenue neutral” mean, anyway? What's with the big words? What's up the Juice's ass! Well, I'll tell ya. It means the Post Office is only required to break even, not necessarily make a profit. It’s kinda like: “Shit, if we have a banner year and we make a few extra bucks, great! If not, fuck it. As long as we break even.”


Got all that? Good. Cause get a load of this: From 1996 – 2001, the US Postal Service has averaged a profit of over $1 billion per year. Yea, you read that right. $1 billion per year. But, I sense you don’t believe me. Maybe it’s the numbers the Juice is hittin’ ya with. Or maybe you’re just a complete idiot. But I get the feelin you’re thinkin’: “the Juice, that is sooooo 2001. Get a grip. Remember 9/11? Remember the Anthraxscare? The Post Office had to adjust it’s policies to pay for all that Anthrax sensin’ equipment.” I would agree with ya. However for 2004 the United States Postal Service had revenues of….TADA! 69 BILLION DOLLARS. 69 BILLION DOLLARS! I’m just gonna repeat that a few more times. 69 BILLION DOLLARS. 69 BILLION DOLLARS! 69 BILLION DOLLARS. 69 BILLION DOLLARS! 69 BILLION DOLLARS. 69 BILLION DOLLARS! 69 BILLION DOLLARS. 69 BILLION DOLLARS!

Let the Juice through a few word problems your way. What is 37 billion dollars + 32 billion dollars? Or how about this one: You go to a whore house. You find this smokin’ hot lil blonde number who’s callin’ your name. But, to fuck her for an hour it costs 34.5 billion dollars. You’re feelin’ particularly horny this sunshiney day. You want that ass for two hours. How much shit are you gonna be in when your missus finds out you fucked a whore?

But, wait. Don’t get all pissed off yet. I got more for ya. Gettin' back to the Post Office bein’ a Quasi-governmental agency, the Post Office is entitled to money from the government (ie our money. As in your hard earned money and my not so hard earned money) to the tune of sweet 96 million dollars a year. Listen, if you aren’t gonna say it, then the Juice will. Nice!!!

The Juice won’t even get into the money the Post Office wasted on endorsements for Bike Boy. Don’t get the Juice wrong. I’m a big fan of Lance Armstrong. The dude’s the shit. Anyone who lost one nut has got to have some serious perspective on life. But, why did the Post Office sponsor him for 6 fuck years? Why is the Post Office sponsorin’ anyone for that matter? That’s gotta be one of those unanswerable Zen questions, like what’s the sound of one hand clappin’.

Yea, yea, yea. The Juice knows that the folks over in Europe pay double for their stamps. They also pay double for a gallon of gas. Who the fuck cares? What kinda rationale is that? Is that suppose to make the Juice feel better? Or make the Juice feel guilty. I've got two words for the folks in Europe. Hell. I've got two words for the Post Office while I'm at it. Fucketh thateth!!!!