James Kirk v Han Solo: Blaster fight
In the comments of my Force or Blasterspost, “Anonymous” posted what seems like a fairly decent battle. James Kirk v Han Solo in a blaster fight. However, "Anonymous" didn’t specify which Kirk we’re dealin’ with here. Just like that prick Genie from the lamp, ya gotta be specific about your combatants. Are we talkin’ Captain Kirk or Admiral Kirk? Are we talkin’ Cap’n Kirk from the TV series or from The Motion Picture? When ya wish for fame, make sure you're very specific with that smart ass Genie. Or you'll end up bein' famous for robbin' a tampon store or somethin'.
Since "Anonymous" didn’t specify which Kirk, the Juice’ll take liberties. Let’s call it Kirk from the original series. That bad ass, alien nailin’ Cap’n he was.
Now, all that bein’ said, ya think that this would be a close battle. We've got 2 captains, fairly handy with their weapons (I’m talkin’ their blasters, not their hogs. Duh!) They’ve got hairy Number Ones. Could almost be a draw here, right? As if. The similarities end there. This battle is so one sided, you’d almost be embarrassed for the loser.
Take their choice of weapons for example. Everyone knows that Han Solo uses the Blastech DL-44. I mean, who wouldn’t choose that blaster, right? Kirk uses that standard issue United Federation’s Phaser. I got three words for ya: Pussy weapon. Might as well use a .22 automatic.
Then there’s the ship. Who’s pickin’ the Enterprise over the Falcon? Oh, I know who is, all those “Trekkers”. And those Trekkers need to get a life. Seriously. I mean, there ain’t no way the NCC-1701 is beatin’ the Falcon. No way on the Christ’s blue planet that the Enterprise even comes close to the Falcon. What’s the Enterprise do the Kessel run in? Probably 75 parsecs. Nothin’ beats the Falcon’s 12 parsecs. Nothin’.
In the end, Solo gets the win. Let’s face it, Han Solo’s a man’s man. Except for the complete neuterin’ he took in Return of the Jedi. But, that’s neither here nor there. Besides, Han Solo don’t tow no company line, unlike that lapdog, Kirk. I don’t care how many hot green aliens he nailed, Kirk’s just a sad excuse for a Cap’n
Any of you Trekkers care to differ? Tough, cause I get the final say here.
We’ll exam the TO v Manning battle tomorrow. Except probably not tomorrow. I got better things to do.
Since "Anonymous" didn’t specify which Kirk, the Juice’ll take liberties. Let’s call it Kirk from the original series. That bad ass, alien nailin’ Cap’n he was.
Now, all that bein’ said, ya think that this would be a close battle. We've got 2 captains, fairly handy with their weapons (I’m talkin’ their blasters, not their hogs. Duh!) They’ve got hairy Number Ones. Could almost be a draw here, right? As if. The similarities end there. This battle is so one sided, you’d almost be embarrassed for the loser.
Take their choice of weapons for example. Everyone knows that Han Solo uses the Blastech DL-44. I mean, who wouldn’t choose that blaster, right? Kirk uses that standard issue United Federation’s Phaser. I got three words for ya: Pussy weapon. Might as well use a .22 automatic.
Then there’s the ship. Who’s pickin’ the Enterprise over the Falcon? Oh, I know who is, all those “Trekkers”. And those Trekkers need to get a life. Seriously. I mean, there ain’t no way the NCC-1701 is beatin’ the Falcon. No way on the Christ’s blue planet that the Enterprise even comes close to the Falcon. What’s the Enterprise do the Kessel run in? Probably 75 parsecs. Nothin’ beats the Falcon’s 12 parsecs. Nothin’.
In the end, Solo gets the win. Let’s face it, Han Solo’s a man’s man. Except for the complete neuterin’ he took in Return of the Jedi. But, that’s neither here nor there. Besides, Han Solo don’t tow no company line, unlike that lapdog, Kirk. I don’t care how many hot green aliens he nailed, Kirk’s just a sad excuse for a Cap’n
Any of you Trekkers care to differ? Tough, cause I get the final say here.
We’ll exam the TO v Manning battle tomorrow. Except probably not tomorrow. I got better things to do.
posted by the Juice at 9:46 PM
2 Comments:
Han Solo is a pussy!! That's' right! A Wookie anal loving, pussy!
I could continue with a barrage of reasons why Kirk
(Captain, to you laypeople) but I don't pretend to have the
artistic flare with words you claim to.
...Spock n Kirk TLA
I won’t even dignify your Han Solo comment with a response. Except to say that Han Solo is 7 times the man that Kirk is. And 30 times the man, you’ll ever be. You can’t even leave your name with your comment.
And I’ll tell ya this, if Kirk was ever frozen in carbonite, he’d probably die. That’s how much of a girl he is (no offense to my female readers, of course).
And I need ya to clarify something. TLA? Spock n Kirk? Are you saying True Love Always? I hope to all that’s holy, that you’re not.
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