Flashback: Kokomo

I know I say this a lot, but this has got to be the worst song ever. I swear, the Juice means it this time. Yea, those other songs (Escape! and I’d really love to see you tonight) suck major monkey hog. But this one really takes the cake.

What makes this song even more of a crime is because it’ s by the legendary Beach Boys. The Juice ain’t quite sure why they’re so legendary. Cause just like the Rollin’ Stones, Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, and (for that matter) the entire decade known as the 60’s, the Juice just don’t know why the Beach Boys are so “legendary”. I guess cause the Juice is kinda partial to their song In My Room. Otherwise, I’d probably classify the whole thing as a suckfest.

The problem is that bands don’t know when to retire. Just like the great Kenny Loggins once said: “…Ya gotta know when to fold ‘em…” It’s like the douche bag who works for the same company 15 years, when he should’ve left 13 years before. When ya don’t know when to walk, ya get crappy songs with shitty lyrics like:

Aruba, jamaica ooo I wanna take you
Bermuda, bahama come on pretty mama
Key largo, montego baby why don’t we go
Jamaica
Off the florida keys
There’s a place called kokomo
That’s where you wanna go to get away from it all
Bodies in the sand
Tropical drink melting in your hand
We’ll be falling in love
To the rhythm of a steel drum band
Down in kokomo
Aruba, jamaica ooo I wanna take you
To bermuda, bahama come on pretty mama
Key largo, montego baby why don’t we go
Ooo I wanna take you down to kokomo
We’ll get there fast
And then we’ll take it slow
That’s where we wanna go
Way down to kokomo
To martinique, that monserrat mystique
We’ll put out to sea
And we’ll perfect our chemistry
By and by we’ll defy a little bit of gravity
Afternoon delight
Cocktails and moonlit nights
That dreamy look in your eye
Give me a tropical contact high
Way down in kokomo


What the fuck is that? We’re the Beach Boys serious? Now, the Juice ain’t no lyricist. Hell, the Juice ain’t much of a writer, but those lyrics have got to be the worst. Christ, all they’re doin’ in rattlin’ off vacation destinations. Is this a fucking commercial for Royal Caribbean Cruise line or what? And believe you me, if you’re even considerin’ takin’ a cruise, ya might want to think twice. Didja hear the one about the pirates attackin’ the cruise ship? WTFMFF!!!!! This is the 20th century, right? Pirates? With eye patches and parrots? Oh yea, and RPG’s. I gotta tell ya, pirates are the last thing the Juice is thinkin’ about after he’s sunk a couple grand into a cruise. The only thing I’m thinkin’ about is the midnight buffet, the all inclusive drinkin’, and prayin' for a few hot number’s in thong bikinis at the pool. Cause there ain’t much more the Juice loves than a hot chick in a bikini. But, now you’re sellin’ the Juice that he’s got to worry about pirates? I’ve got 5 words for ya: Fucketh thateth! The Juice’ll take his vacation at home with my beer, steak, blow up pool and nudie magazines, thank you very much. There ain’t no worryin’ about pirates attackin’ ya there. That’s for dang sure.

If the Juice were gonna write a song, it’d go a lil something like:

harry truman, doris day, red china, johnnie ray
South pacific, walter winchell, joe dimaggio

joe mccarthy, richard nixon, studebaker, television
North korea, south korea, marilyn monroe

rosenbergs, h-bomb, sugar ray, panmunjom
Brando, the king and I and the catcher in the rye

eisenhower, vaccine, england’s got a new queen
Marciano, liberace, santayana goodbye

Nah, that’s some other crappy song that just lists shit. The Juice’s version goes like:

The patio, the back stoop ooo I ain’t leavin’
The pirates, the legionnaires disease, come on give me a break.
All that money, fuck it, the kids can go to hell
Jamaica?
C’mon, pass the peas (You try comin’ up with a better line)
There’s a place called our Backyard
That’s where were gonna go
Or, perhaps the mall…

Man, this is tough. The Juice can’t seem to come up with any clever lyrics. Ehhhh…fuck it. This post is seriously draggin’, anyway. I guess it's time to wrap up. Suffice it to say, Kokomo sucks. We all know it. The Beach Boys know it. Thank the Christ it seems to have disappeared from the planet. But, every once in awhile, one of those “adult-contemporary” radio stations (that’s code word for sucky 80’s music, by the by. remember Phil Collins?) will dig the song up and torture us all by playin’ it. Typically, the Juice gags and I throw my 40 at the radio. Unless of course I’m drivin’. Then I just cuss and change the station (no drinkin’ and drivin’ kids. Remember: Arrive alive. So “they” can suck the soul outta ya). After the song is over, the Disc Jockey will go on to say something oh so clever like: “With the weather like this, I wish I was in Kokomo” or “A tropical drink would be great right about now.” Like his day is so fuck hard. That clever banter just makes the Juice want to drive to the radio station and extract said Disc Jockey’s teeth with my best pair of steel toes. The Juice would be tempted to drive to the Disc Jockey’s house and ass fuck his wife/girlfriend (only if she consented, of course) for such stupid comments, but we all know that Jocks that work at those type of radio stations don’t have wives. Cause they're eunuchs (look it up yourself, you lazy fuck)!!!! Now, the Juice ain’t condonin’ violence. Keep your emails, all you peaceniks. The Juice is a lover, not a fighter. A lover of hot chicks in bikinis. I’m just sayin that Kokomo, and Disc Jockeys that work at AC radio stations, suck.