The Real Kingdom of Magic Ain't for Kids Part 5

Let me start off by apologizin’ to ya about my last post, which was really suppose to be this post. The Juice got hold of some tangent and Whoosh! The next thing I know, we’re talkin’ about zombies. As much as the Juice is tempted to re-hash, it’s best we just leave that one alone. Let’s just pretend that last post never happened. It'd probably be better off if we did. Now, if ya feel like you can’t put it behind us, or that you’re permanently scarred, you can always, ALWAYS, go fuck yourself.

Movin’ along, though, at some point in the past we we’re discussin’ all the reason why NOT to take your kids to Walt Disney World. I’m not gonna recap too much here. You can go back and re-read where we really last left off. Suffice it to say, that just because it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a duck. It could be some sweaty, baldin’, tooth-missin’, creepy deviant, who likes to touch women’s asses, in a large duck costume. What does all this duck business have to do with not takin’ your kids to Disney World? I’ll tell ya if ya can keep your panties out of you’re ass for a second. Just because the folkels at Disney market the hell outta the place like it’s for kids, doesn’t mean that it is.



If you’re kids are anything like my kids, which no doubt they are (cause kids are kids are kids), ya can’t take them anywhere without the lil bastards beggin’ ya to buy them something. It doesn’t matter where you take them, either. They’ll beg and beg and beg. They’re worse than those folks on Public Broadcasting. At least with PBS, ya get some sort of half entertainin’ entertainment along with the beggin. Ya know, A spoonful of sugar…With kids, there ain’t no entertainment, and certainly no over priced premiums to help ease the pain of the money ya just forked over. No, kids just beg. Ya, take them to the gun shop? They’re beggin’ for a gun. Ya, take them to the tampon store? You can figure out the rest. And forget about takin’ them to Wal-Mart. You might as well just hand over your wallet to them.



To illustrate my point, I’ll need for ya to put on your thinkin’ toque on. ‘Cause it’s imaginin’ time (which is better than Hammer Time, everyday of the week, including Sunday)! So, sit back as the Juice paints ya a picture. Imagine, if ya will, spendin’ a week at Toys R Us with your kids. Make sure you imagine a place to sleep. And a few resturants. And while you're imaginin', don't forget about the bathrooms. Cause the Juice guaren-damn-tees that someone in your family is gonna suffer from the Shitz. Because one, or maybe all of ya's, are gonna be stupid enough to drink the Floridian water. But, I digress. Ya got that imagine in your noodle? Good, then you’re pretty dang close to the pain the Juice is talkin’ about. But really? It's much, much worse than that.



Everywhere ya go at Disney World, they’re sellin’ ya somethin'. The Juice will give ya that’s some of it’s nice. But, believe you me, it ain’t cheap. Nothin' in Disney is cheap. From the food to the souvenirs. We covered the money thing back hereNow, the Juice ain’t complain’ about the prices. There are some things ya just got to expect. Ya go to the movies, you’re gonna pay an arm and a leg for soda and a popcorn. That’s just how it is. The way the Juice sees it, ya have two options. Ya either buy the overpriced food with a smile or ya don’t. I don’t get the folks that complain each and every time about the price of concessions at the movie theatre. Like they’ve never been to the movies before. You’re gonna get raped. Ya know it. Why complain?



All that being said, the Juice knows that every last dang thing is expensive at Disney World. Fine. Whatever. It ain’t so much about the money, anyway, as it is the constant mind fuckin' on the part of the kids. Every where ya turn, the Disney folks got their wares at the ready. Comin’ off a ride? Oh, look there’s a store! “Dad, I wanna get this stupid piece of shit plastic thingy.” Comin’ out of a store? Oh, look there’s a cart selling light up shit! “Daddy, I want this $15 light up thingy. My life won't ever be the same without it” Comin' out of a restaurant? Oh, look there’s a vendin' cart! “Daddy, get me that Mickey Mouse ice cream for $7.50. I know I didn't touch a thing on my plate at the $18/kid resturant we just left a few seconds ago, but I really want that fucking ice cream. My life just won't be complete without it. Wooooooooooo!” Comin' out of a bathroom? Yea…you guessed it. There’s a some sort of buyin' facility nearby.



Ya know…The Juice is, as usual, tired. Why don’t we pick this up tomorrow? Just, don’t expect it tomorrow…