Powerball

I gotta tell ya, the Juice pities the poor bastard who wins the Powerball. Yea, you read that right. You can shove your peepers back into your noggin. I’ll give you a second to do so. Now, on the surface that seems like a pretty fucking stupid statement. Even comin’ from the Juice, right? The Juice ain’t known for his high IQ, or high EQ for that matter. But, hear me out. The Powerball is at somethin’ like 6 billion dollars these days. Is that really necessary? Now the Juice don’t play the lottery. Ever. It’s a waste of time and money. Think about it. You got better odds of gettin' clubbed by a gang of blood thirsty, vengeful baby seals, then winnin’ the lottery. You’ve got better odds of bein’ abducted by aliens and bein’ used by said aliens for their weird sexual experiments, then winnin’ the lottery. Hell, you’ve got better odds of bein’ invited to one of the “blow job” parties Oprah’s always goin’ on about, then winnin’ the lottery. But, hey, don’t let the Juice stop ya. You just keep on wastin’ your money. And, hey, since you’re wastin’ your money, why not send that cash to a good cause? Like the Juice, for instance. Now, that gives me an idear. Perhaps the Juice should start his own lottery. I mean, the second you morons hear the word “lottery”, you’re wallets get all juicy.


Besides, did ya ever once really consider what would happen if ya really won all that money? Yea, I know. You’d do this, you’d buy that. You’d fuck her over there, then you’d fuck that one over here. You’d give so much for mommy to go away. You’d buy your brother 17 cars, but that’s it! No more after that! You’d even buy your neighbor a “happy ending.” But what happens after you spend all that dough? Or even half the dough? There’s only so many houses you can buy. Only so many cars you can trash. Only so many whores ya can fuck. There’s a psychological difference between “earnin’” your money over time and have a safe drop on your head. And believe you me, there ain’t no way on the Christ’s blue planet that you’re psychologically ready for a windfall like that. What happens when everythin loses it’s meanin'? You know , like when you repeat a word too many times. Try it. Pick a word, any word, and keep on repeatin’ it. Try “vagina”. Repeat that several hundred times. It loses it meanin’ after awhile (or makes ya want to fuck something).

Think the Juice has lost his marbles? Probably. One too many meat tenderizers to the ol noggin. But the Juice maintains that people don’t know what to do when they win all that cash. See for yourself: Check this out and this one. Then tell the Juice he’s K razy.

See, your puny mind can’t comprehend the repercussions of winnin’ 320 million dollars. For the rest of your days, you’ll be inundated with people beggin’ you for money. It’s like a PBS telethon all day, every day. And I ain’t talkin’ just about your insane relatives, either. Although, there’s no doubt they’ll be mind fuckin’ ya til ya die. No. I’m talkin’ about every charity and charity cases under the sun. Mailin’ ya letters, emailin’ ya, callin' all hours of the night, knockin’ at your door. Think the Juice is kiddin’? I ain’t. And that’s just the beggars. I won’t even mention the slightly less desirable elements. Actually, I will mention them: Thieves, scam artist and grifters. I know. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’: “Whoa! Whoa! What’s that you say, the Juice? Thieves, scam artist and grifters? Oh my! Who said anything about thieves, scam artist and grifters? I thought my life would be roses and Tastykakes after I won the lottery!” You think that ‘cause you watch entirely too much TV. For the love of the Christ turn off the friggin TV for once. Believe you me, it’ll still be there tomorrow.





Just like that fuckin’ Genie said…Be careful what you wish for, it may come true! Real spooky, huh? I always hated the “morals” of stupid stories. So dang preachy. Can’t they just leave us folk alone? Anyway…I’m outta here. I got 50 bucks worth of Powerball tickets to buy.