Close, but no cigar...

London to Get Sexual 'Theme Park'

Whoa! What did that say? Sexual Theme park? Holy Fuckamoley! Where can I buy my season pass? When can I buy it? Shit! Let me pack my bags. I’ve got my shovel ready. I’m sure those fucks over in England need some help breakin’ ground. Like the Juice, I'm sure that's some of the things screamin'through your brain as ya read that headline.

Ahhh…don’t let it fool ya like it fooled the Juice. When I saw that, I gotta admit, the Juice was more than a bit excited. I was ready to test fuck any hooker, real or virtual, that needed to be test fucked. “What’s that sexual theme park imagineer? You need the Juice to test nail that virtual reality Salma hayek? By all means, strap me in!!!” That’s kinda how the Juice imagines it goin’ down. Or, maybe the sexual theme park imagineer needs the Juice to visit the theme park’s version of the Amsterdam’s red light district. Ya’know it would be a “distilled”, cleaned-up version of the famous red light district. Kinda like how Disney, disneyfies everything. Without all the disease, skankiness, you know. Only hot, clean whores. Wow, give me a second with that one…

As hopeful as the headline was, the Juice had a feelin’. In the back of my mind, I knew it couldn’t be true. A sexual theme park? Who we kiddin’ here? Nah!!!! Really!?!?!? Nah!!!!!


Then, the Juice read the article.

I got two words for those sexual theme park designers in England: You can shove that phony ass park up your collective asses! What the world doesn’t need is another preachy place. Don’t we get enough of that shit at home, church and at work? Dang, I can’t stand it. All my life some voice of authority has been sayin’:

“The Juice, don’t do this.”
“The Juice, say ‘no’ to that”
“The Juice, don’t stick it in there.”
“The Juice, don’t stick it in there, either.”
“Ow…the Juice, you’re hurtin’ me”
“The Juice, don’t smoke that.”
“The Juice don’t do that.”
“The Juice, drive the speed limit.”
“The Juice, don’t stick that in there.”

Dang! Ya can’t do anythin’ anymore that almost resembles fun. God forbid if you look sideways at somethin’ that might be interestin’. Believe you me, ya’ll get are earfuls of “Don’t do that. Don’t do this.” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! Is all the Juice can say! For once in my miserable existance, I’d love to hear: “Please, the Juice. Stick it in here.” Or “Sure, the Juice. Waste your whole paycheck on bettin’, drinkin’ and whores. You work hard. You deserve it!” Man! How pleasant that would be? I’m sure at a real sexual theme park, you could do all those things. And more…

Alas, though, the Juice is beginnin’ to think that the sexual theme park is just like Atlantis, unicorns and a republican balanced budget. All “mythical” things. Sure, the Juice could go on about “adult” playgrounds all day, as I did a bit in this post, but the fact of the matter is that it ain’t ever gonna happen. Yea, I getta ton of email pointin’ out places like Vegas, and Hedonism. I can’t deny the existence of those places, even though I’ve never had the privilege, nah honor, of partakin’. But, I don’t believe them to be what the Juice has in mind for an “adult” playground.

You best believe, though, if some renegade genius ever gets the balls to create a real sexual theme park, the Juice will be first in line, lifetime pass in hand.