The World Greatest Invention: Tissues

the Juice has been sufferin’ seriously from allergies lately (Ya’know the Juice heard once that if you suffer from allergies, you’re not from this planet. For real! The theory goes that anyone native to this planet wouldn’t be allergic to anything on it. makes sense, right? so that means all of us who suffer from allergies aren’t from this planet. I know. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’ WTFMFF!?!?!? What does “native to this planet” mean? Do I have to spell it out for ya? It means some where in ya, ya got alien blood. Some might think that was bad, havin’ ET blood in ya and all, But let’s be honest here, you’d rather have ET blood in ya, than Irish coursin' through your veins every day of the week, includin' Sunday). As I go through box after box of tissues, I got to thinkin’. The tissue, also known as Kleenex, is a pretty miraculous thing. So, in honor of the tissue, I’d like to give a shout out to the dude who invented them. Of course, I’d also like to give the big guy a shout out for sendin’ down the idear for tissues to the dude who invented them.

The tissue is pretty fuckin’ amazin’. ‘Specially if you consider that they are made out of wood. Yea, the same shit baseball bats, tables and old tyme boats are made out of. The Juice, not bein’ a total slacker, did some research for ya. Turns out the ol’ tissue is made out of a combination fir, spruce, aspen and maple tree fibers. I ain’t fuckin’ ya, either! Although, if you’re hot and a chick, I might consider it. If the missus gives me the heads up of course.

And speakin’ of chicks, know where the word “Kleenex” comes from? It’s actually 2 separate words. “Kleen” which I guess is suppose to signify “clean”. Apparently the marketin’ genius who came up with that one couldn’t spell a lick. But, what’s this have to do with broads? You would assume that I mean the “clean” part, considerin’ how much chicks love to clean. Or nag your lazy ass how much you don’t clean and they do. But, whatever. No, I bring up the gal reference cause the second half of the word comes from “Kotex”. Yes, the feminine hygiene product. Isn’t that a great phrase? "Feminine hygiene product". It just rolls off the tongue. That’s code for PAD you stupid fucks. Anytime you hear or read the phrase, feminine hygiene product, that’s your cue to about face, and run the other way as fast you can. Cause nothin' good is comin' of it.

Gettin' back to the tissue, they are the unsung heroes of the world. Think of the ways you use an ordinary tissue. To blow your nose. Or to pick up a smushed roach. Or to crank off into when Mrs. Sockie’s in the wash. Or, if you’re polite, to throw at your ol’ lady when you’re done with her and you don’t want all that “junk” on the sheets on your side of the bed. Really, the tissue is a great tool.

I tried to find a name for the inventor of the tissue. I couldn’t it. Granted, the Juice didn’t try all that hard, really. The only names that keep comin' up in my searches were “Kleenex” and “Kimberly-Clark”. Which leads me to conclude that the actual inventor of the tissue never got the praise he (or however unlikely, she) deserves. Never got the fame, fortune, endless supplies of coke. No blow job parties, nothing. Nada. Zip. The dude probably died a penniless soul. Kimberly-Clark probably snatched (get in? "snatch"ed) up the invention as all corporation do, and told the inventor he should feel free to fuck himself (the ultimate irony would be if the Kimberly- Clark tissue barons left the inventor a tissue to clean up his mess after he fucked himself. Get it? To clean up the mess? I can’t believe I waste this shit on you)

Now, compare if you will the tissue to the handkerchief. Ugghhhh! Just the thought of a handkerchief makes the Juice gag like a chick with a wang in just a bit too far. They’re just plain ol’ nasty (handkerchiefs, not chicks with a wang in them just a bit too far). Now, I don’t got no germaphobia goin' on. In fact, the Juice gets quite a chuckle out of all the paranoia surroundin’ germs these days. Anti-bacterial this. Anti-bacterial that. It’s ri-goddamn-diculous. “Oh! Germs. Don’t hurt me germs. I’m scared. Boo Fuck Hoo” C’mon people! Grow the fuck up. You ain’t gonna die. Well, that not true. You are gonna die, but it ain’t from germs. I hate to tell ya, Mr. and Mrs. sheep, but it’s all in your head. But, that’s really an entirely different post. Anyway, the handkerchief is just nasty. There ain’t no doubt about it. Look, I know back in the 1970's they didn’t have the technology for makin’ tissues, but c’mon. People still had to know how nasty they were. And I don’t care how “environmental friendly” handkerchiefs are. I ain’t ever usin’ them. Especially someone else’s. Let the Frenchies use them (my apologies to my French readers)


So, let's have five hazzahs for one of the world's greatest inventions: the mighty tissue. Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah!