Really Retro: The Glory of...

...Ann Margret

I know. I know what you’re thinkin’. “Ann who? Ann Margret? Who on the Christ’s blue planet is that?" I’m sure your follow up is: “Why? Why her when there are so many fine women that go unnoticed day in day out.” While that maybe true, the Juice suggests if you don’t like my choices for “The Glory of…” you start your own blog. That way, you can write about any gal you want. Until you get off your fat, lazy ass to consistently write you own blog, I humbly suggest you go fuck yourself.

So why Ann? Well, I’ll tell ya. The Juice was watchin’ CMT the other day. Why was I watchin’ Country Music Television? The same reason anyone else watches it. For the hot chicks. Have ya watched CMT lately? Those country singin’ gals are SMOKIN'!!! It’s unbelievable! I don’t know what they’re doin' down in Nashville. They must have come across some disgruntled Russian clonin’ scientist. 'Cause those country gals are so damn good lookin', it nearly hurts your eyes!


oh yea! now that my friends is some fine 60's cleavage

Anyway, there was an Elvis movie on. Now what Elvis has to do with country music videos, is beyond the Juice. When I think of Elvis, I ain’t thinkin’ country music videos. That’s for dang sure. But, there he was singin’ his ass off. Or, I should say lip-syncin’ his ass off. Anyway, I’m watchin’ this picture, I believe it was Viva Las Vegas, and this crazy chick is shakin’ her stuff like nobody’s business durin’ one of Elvis’ lip syncin’ performances. The thing is, you’re only seein' her from behind. Oh, like that wasn’t planned. I’m watchin’ this sexy lil ass wiggle to and fro for like 5 minutes. I was practically screamin’ at the TV “For the love of the Christ, show her face already.” From my screamin’ mouth to god’s ears, the bitch swings around. And she was hot!


If the Juice was born back then, she'd want me. Just look in her eyes.

Of course she was wearin’ one of those ridiculous pointy bras the chicks wore back then. What the hell was that all about? Is that suppose to be hot? I can tell ya, it ain't. I'm not sure the dipshit designer behind the pointy bra, but they definitely didn't love women, that's for sure. Bra or naught (and I prefer naught. just the thought of that sexy redhead without a bra on...dang I need a tissue), Ann was good lookin’ nonetheless.



Now, let’s just get somethin’ straight here. The Juice ain’t into any of that “vintage” porn. Not only is that shit a touch creepy, but it downright scares the bejesus out of me. All those ol’ tyme looking pics. It makes my skin crawl. Lookin’ at vintage porn makes me feel like a real pervert. Like, I’m doin' something very wrong. More so than when I'm lookin' at current porn.



No, the Juice likes his porn very current. I’d say I wouldn’t even go as far back as the late 80’s. Porn is like milk. Once it’s out of date, it best just to throw it out. And speaking of milk…


"I've got your milk. Shall I get bare now?"

But, gettin’ back to Ann Margret, she’s a piece of ass. At least was. And she held up pretty well. I'd say she was still fairly "do-able" into the 80's. But, the we're headin' into an age territory the Juice doesn't like to consider "do-able". So, let's just stick with the 1960's Ann Margret and call ourselves "even".


Swirly...

Now, don’t go emailin’ me that I’ve lost my mind. 'Cause I haven’t. The Juice is just sayin’ that if I was Elvis, and it was 1963, I’d be doin’ stuff to Ann Margret that they only recently invented. And I'd be sure to tell the grandkids all about it. It probably would go down like this:

"Jeannie and George you sure are great grandkids. Has Grandpa the Juice ever told you the time that he video taped Ann Margret while nailin' 'er?"

"Yes, grandpa the Juice. Fifty million times" They would say in unison.

I would totally ignore them. Just to hear myself talk. "You should've seen the ass on Ann. There was that one time when she bent over to pick up a pencil I had "accidently" dropped. She bent over so far, I walk right up behind her and put it..."

"We know grandpa! We know all about how you made sweet love to Ann Margret" They'd say bored to tears.

And believe you me, once those scienticians work the kinks out of virtual reality, you best believe I’ll be knockin’ on Ann’s trailer door with a pizza in one hand, a 40 in the other and a box of condoms in my back pocket. Wait a minute. This is virtual reality. Better make it 2 40’s.



You’re probably not gonna believe this, but the above picture ain’t really Elvis and Ann. It’s some douche bag playin’ Elvis and Rose McGowen. Yes, Rose McGowen, one of those witches (get it? witches) on the horrifyingly bad show Charmed. But for the sake of this post, let pretend it’s Juice and the Ann Margret. Know what I’d be thinkin’ in that picture? “Virtual reality is so cool! I can’t wait to crack open those 40’s”