Pitch a Bitch: Gas

I betcha ya think I’m gonna rant on about the price of gas. Well, surprise!!!! I ain't. I’m bitchin’ about you. This whole oil situation makes the Juice laugh, really. All you people bitchin’ about gas prices. “Oh my god! Gas has gone up 50 cents in 2 days. Waaaaa. Waaaaa." I swear to the Christ, I luv it! All you silly SUV drivin’ sheep are a gas, as it were. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’ the Juice has got to have at least one monster SUV. Well, not only don’t I have one SUV, the Juice only has one car, PERIOD. One car?!?!? I can tell you’re amazed. But, it’s true. The Juice has been drivin' around in one fuck car for over 8 years. Not the same car, mind you, but only ownin' one car at any given moment.


I got peeps constantly tellin’ me how I “need” another car. “The Juice, you NEED another car. How do you do it? You’ve got 4 kids. How can you possibly exist with only one vehicle?” Isn’t it hard?!?!? I’ll tell ya what’s hard: Milkin’ a bull in the middle of December without a thumb…that’s hard. Fuckin one gal for the rest of your existence…now that’s even harder. Ownin' one car? That ain’t so hard.

So how does the Juice make do with only one vehicle? It’s based on an ancient Chinese secret. Ready? If I tell ya though, ya got to promise ya won’t tell no one. I lived with a Master Jedi several years cleanin’ his ass and washin’ his balls to learn this secret. But, I’m givin’ it to you, just like everything else on this forsaken blog, for free. Ready? Swipe to learn: Ya just do it, you stupid fuck!!! The Juice needs another car like a hole in the head. Now, I ain’t gonna lie to ya. the Juice would love nothin’ more than a 2006 Mustang Cobra. Dang, I get a boner every time I see it. In fact I’m touchin myself now just thinkin’ about it. And it’s not like the Juice couldn’t afford the car. But with gas at $3.27 a gallon, Henry Ford can kiss my Polish ass. And the Juice ain’t even Polish!

I heard on the funniest thing on the radio the other day. Triple A is tryin’ to sell everyone that even with gas prices bein’ so high, this will be another record breakin’ travel weekend. What do you think it is? Has AAA gone collectively insane? Or, is AAA out of touch with reality? Or, is AAA just tryin’ to convince us to go out drivin’? My feelin’? It’s a combination of all three. Who are they tryin’ to kid? With gas bein’ over $3/gallon, ain’t nobody goin’ no where anytime soon. Nice try, though AAA. Nice try. But, I digress...

Gettin' back to you two car ownin' people out there. It must be soooo great not only fillin’ one SUV, but 2? That's got to be sweet! And those awesomely cool folks who own those Hummers? Man, they are so cool! I want to be just like them! It must be wicked neat payin’ a 100 bucks to fill your tank. No wonder the rest of the world thinks America is so great. They see us pigs drivin’ those huge buses 50 ft to our local Wal-Marts chock full of nearly free shit that they can’t buy with a year’s worth of wages. How could the rest of the world hate us? Every time one of those Hummers get filled up, we’re tellin’ the rest of the world, “Don’t hate us cause we’re beautiful.”

In the end, this whole gas situation is our own fuck fault. If we would just develop an alternative to gas, we can tell all those folks in the Middle East to go fuck themselves (no offense to my Middle Eastern readers, of course). And don’t even try to lay this shit on me that there ain’t no cost effective alternatives. Fucketh thateth! I ain’t no scientician, by any stretch of the imagination, but there are alternatives to oil out there. It’s just that there’s more money in oil. Shit, can you blame the oil companies? With another record breakin’ year of profits on your hands, would you even think about introducin’ an alternative source of fuel? Fuck no!!!! Let those SUV drivin’ fucks eat cake! That’s what you’d say as you fucked another high paid whore. Just do me a favor, wear a condom, alright?

Don’t it drive you nuts that the oil companies and the A rabs (again, my apologies to my middle eastern readers) got us by the balls? Don’t you find it maddenin’? Here’s a few more fucks you can add to that maddenin’ list: the oil speculators. "Who?" you ask. Oil speculators. Are you so fuckin’ dumb you can’t see it? A few jackass oil speculators are drivin’ up the price of oil. Duh!!!!! See, when these douche bags get “afraid” of somethin’ the price of oil jumps. If they see a mouse, oil goes up 20 bucks a barrel. Heat lightenin’? Oil goes up another 30 dollars. And forget about it when the nightlight goes out in the middle of the night. Oil shoots up 50 bucks a barrel. Isn’t it amazin’ how much power these guys have? That should throw all you control freaks out there into a tizzy

Unfortunately, the Juice ain’t got no answers, except to start drivin’ the dang speed limit. Shit, that alone would save you somethin’ like 20% of your fuel consumption. How fuckin’ original! That’s your only true revenge against the oil barons. You don't have many options beyond that, really. There's always those Hybrid cars. They get something like 200 miles to a gallon of gas. Of course, we’d all be buyin’ hybrid cars if they were cool lookin’. At least Honda wised up and finally put a hybrid engine in an SUV for us super-cool, really tough, Americans.

Or, You could try writin’ your worthless congressman. It ain’t like he/she/it is gonna do anythin’ though. He/she/it has probably got so many oil stocks in his/her/it’s portfolio, he/she/it will tell ya to go fuck yourself to right your face, the go back to fuckin’ their high paid whores. Besides, it ain’t like your congress person has to pay for their gas. Know who does? YOU DO, YOU STUPID FUCK!!!! But, hey if enough of the sheep start “baaaain”, ya never know what’ll happen. Otherwise we’ll all be starin’ down the barrel of $5.00 a gallon.