Avoid the Southern New Jersey Beaches at All Costs: A Time for Bitchin'
Stop! Bitchin’ time!
So, knowin' what the Juice has been through at the Jersey shore, more or less, it’s time to unleash the demons. Time to shoot from the hip, and fucketh thateth to the questions. And first up in the Juice’s sights? Let’s talk about the hole that is the Promenade.
The Juice is first to admit he’s a bit biased, with his sour experience and all. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that the place is a dive. A scour on the boardwalk, if you will. And you will. The Juice has been to Ocean City enough times to know that the Promenade is not the greatest of establishments. Especially if you’re lookin' for reasonably priced, semi –edible food. However if your thing is overpriced, questionable tastin' food, then by all means, patronize the place.
But the Juice might be gettin’ a bit ahead of hisself. Let’s cover the basics. If you’ve never had the pleasure, the Promenade is a collection of overprice food vendors. Sellin’ the same ol’ shit they sell along the rest of the boardwalk. Plus, there are several unclean, skanky tables for the payin' patrons to use (but just remember, it doesn’t even matter if you’re a payin’ patron of the Promenade. If you’ve got the wrong combination of food stuffs in your possession, you ain’t gettin’ a seat in the Promenade. See for that story .
If you happen to gain entrance, then there are some things you need to check out. Do yourself a favor, buy yourself a Coke or a Pepsi. I don’t give shit one about which one you buy, just make sure it’s a fountain drink. “Why?” you ask. Cause if you buy a can or bottled soda, you’ll miss out on one of my favorite parts of the Promenade. The community Coke machines. See if you purchase a fountain type soda, you get to serve yourself at these community Coke fountains. Of course, in the name of good customer service, there are 2 soda machines. And the lines, well they weren’t that long for them. Ten minutes isn’t long to wait for a soda, that you have to serve yourself, is it? Oh, and the patrons waitin' to get their soda’s were oh so courteous themselves. Not to mention that the location of said soda machines is the bestest! Where else would you put a high traffic item? In a high traffic area! Not only do you get to wait for the frickin’ soda, after you paid for it already, but you get to have people push and shove you in the process cause they’re tryin’ to get by. Nice!
If I were to ask you what another sign of great customer service was, what would you say? What’s that? Hand jobs, from hot chicks? I would definitely agree, but that’s not what I’m gettin' at. I’m talkin’ cleanliness! And I gotta tell ya, the Promenade is way up there in that regard. And by “way up there in that regard” I mean it’s downright disgustin’. I guess it’s just the Juice bein’ picky again. I’m sure Joe Promenade Purveyor looks right beyond the soda sludge all over the community Soda Fountain. And, I won’t go into too much detail regardin' the flotsam and jetsam in the liquid catchin’ trays of said Soda machines. What do they call those trays anyway? Probably Liquid Catchin’ trays.
The Piece der Resistance, though? The faded sign taped onto the machine that states: “No Re-fills”. Isn’t that swell? You spend 15 bucks on two drinks and a small fry and you can’t refill? That’s the “man” for ya. I’ve got one word for the Promenade: Fucketh thateth. The Promenade is just lucky I was pissed off enough to actually leave after the Community College kid incident. ‘Cause if I’d stayed, I’ve stuck my gullet right under that soda encrusted nozzles and filled up ‘til I was peein’ Coke.
Man, that’s a lot of bitchin’ just about 2 friggin' soda machines. I can’t believe you’re stupid enough to read two pages of bitchin’ about soda machines. Don’t you have anythin' better to do with your time? Probably not. What else would you be doin’ with your time? Trollin’ for porn? I mean, c’mon. You’ve probably seen enough porn in today alone then all your ancestors combined.
The question that remains is how much more shittin’ on this place does the Juice really want to do? I could go on blastin’ the Promenade all day. I could tell you about the sparklin’ tables and chairs. Ya’know. The ones with all the caked on sea gull shit on them. Oh, I’m sure the table and chairs were made out of the “anti-bacterial” material they make shoppin’ cart handles out of. And let me tell ya, the Juice ain’t buyin' for half a second that there’s such a thing as “anti-bacterial” plastic. To me, it sounds like clever marketin’. I can just see some douche bag in a suit sellin’ to your local supermarket these “anti-bacterial” handles. Meanwhile, the fucks probably gigglin’ up a storm as he wipes the handles down with an anti-bacterial wipe. And don’t forget about the certificate he made on his home computer ceritifyin’ the “anti-bacterialness” of the handles. Long story short, it’s all a mind fuck.
Gettin' back to the Promenade, I would be largely remit if I didn’t mention to you about the friendly counter folks. So courteous. So endearin’. As they grunt at you ‘cause you had the nerve to interrupt their lil pow-wow ‘cause you wanted fries and soda. At least the community college gal who waited on me had the decency to remove the 4 rings hangin’ from her lip as she handed me the small cup of $8.00 fries. Oh, that’s right, she did have all that shit hangin’ from her face. At least she had the courtesy to smile at me while she was fuckin’ me over with the $8.00 fries. Now that I think about it, it was less of a smile and more of a annoyin’ smirk. Ehhh. Why does the Juice care, anyway? She’s the one stupid enough to work at the Promenade. The Juice is just stupid enough to eat their for 30 seconds.
Oh, then there’s the…you know what. Fuck it. I’ve given this place enough press. I ain’t wastin' another breath on that fuckin’ place. Besides, I’ve got more to talk about it. Like Wastaway Cove. Dang, I’m almost salivatin' over the bitterness…
So, knowin' what the Juice has been through at the Jersey shore, more or less, it’s time to unleash the demons. Time to shoot from the hip, and fucketh thateth to the questions. And first up in the Juice’s sights? Let’s talk about the hole that is the Promenade.
The Juice is first to admit he’s a bit biased, with his sour experience and all. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that the place is a dive. A scour on the boardwalk, if you will. And you will. The Juice has been to Ocean City enough times to know that the Promenade is not the greatest of establishments. Especially if you’re lookin' for reasonably priced, semi –edible food. However if your thing is overpriced, questionable tastin' food, then by all means, patronize the place.
But the Juice might be gettin’ a bit ahead of hisself. Let’s cover the basics. If you’ve never had the pleasure, the Promenade is a collection of overprice food vendors. Sellin’ the same ol’ shit they sell along the rest of the boardwalk. Plus, there are several unclean, skanky tables for the payin' patrons to use (but just remember, it doesn’t even matter if you’re a payin’ patron of the Promenade. If you’ve got the wrong combination of food stuffs in your possession, you ain’t gettin’ a seat in the Promenade. See for that story .
If you happen to gain entrance, then there are some things you need to check out. Do yourself a favor, buy yourself a Coke or a Pepsi. I don’t give shit one about which one you buy, just make sure it’s a fountain drink. “Why?” you ask. Cause if you buy a can or bottled soda, you’ll miss out on one of my favorite parts of the Promenade. The community Coke machines. See if you purchase a fountain type soda, you get to serve yourself at these community Coke fountains. Of course, in the name of good customer service, there are 2 soda machines. And the lines, well they weren’t that long for them. Ten minutes isn’t long to wait for a soda, that you have to serve yourself, is it? Oh, and the patrons waitin' to get their soda’s were oh so courteous themselves. Not to mention that the location of said soda machines is the bestest! Where else would you put a high traffic item? In a high traffic area! Not only do you get to wait for the frickin’ soda, after you paid for it already, but you get to have people push and shove you in the process cause they’re tryin’ to get by. Nice!
If I were to ask you what another sign of great customer service was, what would you say? What’s that? Hand jobs, from hot chicks? I would definitely agree, but that’s not what I’m gettin' at. I’m talkin’ cleanliness! And I gotta tell ya, the Promenade is way up there in that regard. And by “way up there in that regard” I mean it’s downright disgustin’. I guess it’s just the Juice bein’ picky again. I’m sure Joe Promenade Purveyor looks right beyond the soda sludge all over the community Soda Fountain. And, I won’t go into too much detail regardin' the flotsam and jetsam in the liquid catchin’ trays of said Soda machines. What do they call those trays anyway? Probably Liquid Catchin’ trays.
The Piece der Resistance, though? The faded sign taped onto the machine that states: “No Re-fills”. Isn’t that swell? You spend 15 bucks on two drinks and a small fry and you can’t refill? That’s the “man” for ya. I’ve got one word for the Promenade: Fucketh thateth. The Promenade is just lucky I was pissed off enough to actually leave after the Community College kid incident. ‘Cause if I’d stayed, I’ve stuck my gullet right under that soda encrusted nozzles and filled up ‘til I was peein’ Coke.
Man, that’s a lot of bitchin’ just about 2 friggin' soda machines. I can’t believe you’re stupid enough to read two pages of bitchin’ about soda machines. Don’t you have anythin' better to do with your time? Probably not. What else would you be doin’ with your time? Trollin’ for porn? I mean, c’mon. You’ve probably seen enough porn in today alone then all your ancestors combined.
The question that remains is how much more shittin’ on this place does the Juice really want to do? I could go on blastin’ the Promenade all day. I could tell you about the sparklin’ tables and chairs. Ya’know. The ones with all the caked on sea gull shit on them. Oh, I’m sure the table and chairs were made out of the “anti-bacterial” material they make shoppin’ cart handles out of. And let me tell ya, the Juice ain’t buyin' for half a second that there’s such a thing as “anti-bacterial” plastic. To me, it sounds like clever marketin’. I can just see some douche bag in a suit sellin’ to your local supermarket these “anti-bacterial” handles. Meanwhile, the fucks probably gigglin’ up a storm as he wipes the handles down with an anti-bacterial wipe. And don’t forget about the certificate he made on his home computer ceritifyin’ the “anti-bacterialness” of the handles. Long story short, it’s all a mind fuck.
Gettin' back to the Promenade, I would be largely remit if I didn’t mention to you about the friendly counter folks. So courteous. So endearin’. As they grunt at you ‘cause you had the nerve to interrupt their lil pow-wow ‘cause you wanted fries and soda. At least the community college gal who waited on me had the decency to remove the 4 rings hangin’ from her lip as she handed me the small cup of $8.00 fries. Oh, that’s right, she did have all that shit hangin’ from her face. At least she had the courtesy to smile at me while she was fuckin’ me over with the $8.00 fries. Now that I think about it, it was less of a smile and more of a annoyin’ smirk. Ehhh. Why does the Juice care, anyway? She’s the one stupid enough to work at the Promenade. The Juice is just stupid enough to eat their for 30 seconds.
Oh, then there’s the…you know what. Fuck it. I’ve given this place enough press. I ain’t wastin' another breath on that fuckin’ place. Besides, I’ve got more to talk about it. Like Wastaway Cove. Dang, I’m almost salivatin' over the bitterness…
posted by the Juice at 10:03 PM
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