Pitch a Bitch: The Atkins Diet

by CQF

I’m starting a new series here at Dissertation Station. No, I’m not stopping the Conversations with Bane series. And, no, I haven’t run out of Bane fuel. I'm just branching out a bit. There are plenty of stories to tell about my Mother in Law. However, as I said in my Conversations with Bane: Apple post, some things Bane doesn’t care or know anything about. Or, and I know this one is going to be hard to swallow (it sure is for me), some topics we actually agree on. Which leads me to my new series…Pitch a Bitch. I figured this was a good way to write about topics that I wouldn’t normally cover in Conversations with Bane.

I’m setting my sights of my first bitch on the Atkins diet. As my wife will attest, I hate diets. They make no sense. I hated that low-fat craze a few years ago, the no egg diet, no sugar diet, the Krispy Kreme diet (ok…I really liked that diet). But, the one that drove me nuts the most is that Atkins diet. Uggghhhh. Atkins. Atkins. Atkins. It seemed like everyone at one point was on Atkins (or South Beach or whatever. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned). Sure, I know any given company will jump on any given bandwagon any chance they get. If there’s any way for money to be made on an idea, it will be. Quite frankly, I’m surprised we didn’t see Atkins stool softeners. Stool softeners can be low carb too, right? My point being that Atkins was everywhere. Atkins this, Atkins that. To borrow a phrase from the Juice, I wish the Atkins diet would go fuck itself. I’m just so sick of hearing about it.

For a long term, healthy lifestyle the Atkins Diet makes no sense. No bread? That’s just crazy! I love bread! Fruit is bad!?!? C’mon! Now, I understand that at some point the dieter is suppose to re-introduce fruits and carbs into their diet. But, I’m willing to bet that as soon as the dieter got the taste of those carbs again, it was all over shortly after that. Or, those folks that suffer from OCD or any other anal complexity, never re-introduced the carbs. 5 years later they’re still eating 6 pounds of bacon and have arteries choked with fat. I’m not saying the diet doesn’t work. I know that it does, but for the average person, it’s not a healthy choice


I felt bad for the lowly bread maker, the humble pastry chef. They were seriously taking a beating the last few years. I think that carbs were more vilified than the Muslims. It looks as though the carbs (and the beautiful carbmakers) will get the last laugh. Cause Atkins Nutritional declared bankruptcy! Finally! Is that chanting I hear in the streets? Let them eat Bread! Let them eat Cake! Look, I don’t wish any ill will on anyone. I hate to see a company declare bankruptcy. But, lets face it, the Atkins diet sucked.


In the end, people love diets. Because they’re always looking for the quickest way to lose weight. Diets never work in the long term, though. They take too much effort to maintain. For me, the key to weight loss is two-fold: Moderation and exercise. You can have some bread. It’s ok. Go ahead. Have some chips, just don’t eat the whole bag. I know exercise isn’t fun, but look at it this way…if you exercise once in awhile, you can eat whatever the heck you want. Even more than just “some” chips.

If you have any suggestions for a topic for Pitch a Bitch, you can email me at chuckqfinn@yahoo.com