Emails: 8/13
by the Juice
The Juice here, back from vacation! Man! Did it ever suck! I’d like to say that I was well rested and ready for action, but I ain’t. In fact, the Juice is downright bitter. The Juice almost wishes that he didn’t use his valuable vacation hours on such a horrific vacation. I know what you’re thinkin'. “I can’t believe the Juice has a pitiful, suckass job like me. I figured he was a superstar.” Well, the Juice is a superstar, but a superstar that still has to work for the man. So, until you faithful readers out there start buckin’ up, I’ll keep on workin’ like the beaten down jackass I am, much like yourself. Now, is that really what you want for the Juice? IS IT? You consider that as you read my very entertainin’ and very FREE posts.
I guess everyone thinks they’re fuckin' comedians this week, judgin' by the emails I’ve been gettin'. Take this one I got from Francis Wallace:
Hey Juice. Look at this pic. I bet that hurt! LOL!
Yea, Francis. That does look painful. I’ve got a rhetorical type question for you, though. What do you think is more painful? A chick hittin' her face on a divin' board or a dude who’s got a wife that doesn’t work (or want to, but LOVES to spend his hard-earned greenbacks), 3 kids (all daughters) and drives 90 + minutes to and fro work daily? I know. I know. Tough call. My guess is the chick who hits her face on a divin' board. Besides the embarrassment, the pain goes away relatively quick. The dude? That’s pain and embarrassment for what is known as the Long Haul. You never really realize how truly long “Death do you part”is, til you’re ten years in.
However to be fair there is somethin' even more painful than then both those things. And that is a married dude with four kids and no chance of sexual parole come heaven or high water. Believe you me, I EARNED my doctorate in painology.
here's yet another "funny" email submitted by yikeymikey:
Bruce the Juice! I know you love Jessica Simpson. Here’s a picture I made for you. Hope you put it on your site!
Well yikeymikey, thanks for the pic. I’d like to say that I was impressed with your croppin' skills, but my 2 year old can do a better job than that. And his hand eye coordnation downright sucks! I hope to the Christ you don’t spend all dang day behind a computer. That would be a shame. Do us all the favor and let us know when your momma lets you play with the grownup scissors.
And finally we’ve got this one from Scudbucket1893:
Juice. Star Wars or Star Trek?
As many times as I get asked this, I’m always amazed. How can you possible compare a multi-dollar tv show to a multi-BILLION dollar movie? The answer? You can’t! There ain’t no comparison! Sure, I’ll give you Picard was pretty cool. But, those two nutbags, Apollo and Starfuck were no Han and Luke. That’s for dang sure. And Boomer can go right ahead and suck my balls.
Star Trek did have that hot number Erin Grey goin' for it, though. She was pretty fine. I remember being a little the Juice and touchin’ the ol’ weiner whenever Erin Grey walked by in her tight spandex numbers. The only problem with her was what? Right! No boobs. Man, if she had a set, she would almost be as hot as Leia was at medal ceremony at the end of Star Wars. You know, the first one. I mean the real first one, not the new first one. The one George calls A New Hope these days. To me, it’ll always be known as Star Wars.
Anyway, gettin' back to Star Trek, that dog thing they had on the show was cool. I think it was called Daggit or some shit. But Twinkie was really super fuckin' stupid. “Meemnmeemnmeeem.” Whatever that thing said, it was dumb. I can tell you this, that android was no C3PO. And lets face it, C3PO is wicked annoyin’.
I do have to admit, though, that episode when Apollo and Starfuck land on earth and ride those cool motorcycle wasn’t too bad. Only cause of those cool motorcycles. Didn’t those fuckers float or somethin'?
I mean, I could easily go into storylines and spaceships and what not. And someday, when I'm lonesome, I just might. But, in the end? Star Wars kick Star Treks, all Star Treks, in their scrawny multi-cultural asses. God created Star Wars, and it wasn't good. In the immortal words of Tony the Tiger. It was fuck GREEEAAATTTTT!!!
So, until whenever…stop sendin' me your stupid emails
The Juice here, back from vacation! Man! Did it ever suck! I’d like to say that I was well rested and ready for action, but I ain’t. In fact, the Juice is downright bitter. The Juice almost wishes that he didn’t use his valuable vacation hours on such a horrific vacation. I know what you’re thinkin'. “I can’t believe the Juice has a pitiful, suckass job like me. I figured he was a superstar.” Well, the Juice is a superstar, but a superstar that still has to work for the man. So, until you faithful readers out there start buckin’ up, I’ll keep on workin’ like the beaten down jackass I am, much like yourself. Now, is that really what you want for the Juice? IS IT? You consider that as you read my very entertainin’ and very FREE posts.
cheap bastards…
I guess everyone thinks they’re fuckin' comedians this week, judgin' by the emails I’ve been gettin'. Take this one I got from Francis Wallace:
Hey Juice. Look at this pic. I bet that hurt! LOL!
Yea, Francis. That does look painful. I’ve got a rhetorical type question for you, though. What do you think is more painful? A chick hittin' her face on a divin' board or a dude who’s got a wife that doesn’t work (or want to, but LOVES to spend his hard-earned greenbacks), 3 kids (all daughters) and drives 90 + minutes to and fro work daily? I know. I know. Tough call. My guess is the chick who hits her face on a divin' board. Besides the embarrassment, the pain goes away relatively quick. The dude? That’s pain and embarrassment for what is known as the Long Haul. You never really realize how truly long “Death do you part”is, til you’re ten years in.
However to be fair there is somethin' even more painful than then both those things. And that is a married dude with four kids and no chance of sexual parole come heaven or high water. Believe you me, I EARNED my doctorate in painology.
here's yet another "funny" email submitted by yikeymikey:
Bruce the Juice! I know you love Jessica Simpson. Here’s a picture I made for you. Hope you put it on your site!
Well yikeymikey, thanks for the pic. I’d like to say that I was impressed with your croppin' skills, but my 2 year old can do a better job than that. And his hand eye coordnation downright sucks! I hope to the Christ you don’t spend all dang day behind a computer. That would be a shame. Do us all the favor and let us know when your momma lets you play with the grownup scissors.
And finally we’ve got this one from Scudbucket1893:
Juice. Star Wars or Star Trek?
As many times as I get asked this, I’m always amazed. How can you possible compare a multi-dollar tv show to a multi-BILLION dollar movie? The answer? You can’t! There ain’t no comparison! Sure, I’ll give you Picard was pretty cool. But, those two nutbags, Apollo and Starfuck were no Han and Luke. That’s for dang sure. And Boomer can go right ahead and suck my balls.
Star Trek did have that hot number Erin Grey goin' for it, though. She was pretty fine. I remember being a little the Juice and touchin’ the ol’ weiner whenever Erin Grey walked by in her tight spandex numbers. The only problem with her was what? Right! No boobs. Man, if she had a set, she would almost be as hot as Leia was at medal ceremony at the end of Star Wars. You know, the first one. I mean the real first one, not the new first one. The one George calls A New Hope these days. To me, it’ll always be known as Star Wars.
Anyway, gettin' back to Star Trek, that dog thing they had on the show was cool. I think it was called Daggit or some shit. But Twinkie was really super fuckin' stupid. “Meemnmeemnmeeem.” Whatever that thing said, it was dumb. I can tell you this, that android was no C3PO. And lets face it, C3PO is wicked annoyin’.
I do have to admit, though, that episode when Apollo and Starfuck land on earth and ride those cool motorcycle wasn’t too bad. Only cause of those cool motorcycles. Didn’t those fuckers float or somethin'?
I mean, I could easily go into storylines and spaceships and what not. And someday, when I'm lonesome, I just might. But, in the end? Star Wars kick Star Treks, all Star Treks, in their scrawny multi-cultural asses. God created Star Wars, and it wasn't good. In the immortal words of Tony the Tiger. It was fuck GREEEAAATTTTT!!!
So, until whenever…stop sendin' me your stupid emails
posted by the Juice at 9:13 PM
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