Avoid the Southern New Jersey Beaches at All Costs Part 2
by the Juice
Hang on while the Juice gets a little self-righteous and a bit political. The Juice hasn’t been this self-righteous since…well, my last post.
So, let’s talk a bit about the whole payin’ to use the public beach thing. Yes, I’m speakin’ of the dreaded beach tag. I just don’t get it. It’s a public beach, right? The last time I checked the beaches weren’t owned by anyone. Kinda like the airwaves. Time to get out your 6th grade civics book, folks. That is, if you can find it under your stack of old porno mags. Isn’t it sad what happened to the porno mag industry? With the onset of the internet, does anyone even buy mags anymore? When was the last time you checked out your local “newsstand”? Sad. There’s nothin’ like holdin’ porn in your hands. Sure, the internet is great. Shit, you can find any last freaky thing you're into. Just ask my friend Paco Reban. But, nothin’ like a sticky paged porno mag to get you over a long haul.
Anyway, gettin’ back to the public airwaves, they’re not really “owned” by any radio or TV station. The radio and TV stations are “licensed” to use the airwaves. In the end, they are still “owned” by the public. Hence, the term “public”, as in “public” airwaves, “public” restrooms and “public” beach. Like how I brought that full circle? So, the question remains: where do any of the municipalities and counties that line the Jersey coastline get off chargin’ for us to step foot one on a public beach? It’s ri-goddamn-diculous, really! The only thing that's slightly worse than payin' to use a public beach is to pay to use a toll road. But, I suppose that's a bitch for another day.
What’s even more fascinatin’, or mind numbin’ confusin’, is that there are a few beach communities that don’t charge you to use the public beach. ?!?!?!?!? Ummm…It’s the same fuck beach, right? I believe the Wildwood beaches are still “free”. Gee, thanks. Who the fuck wants to go to Childwood anyway? Have you been to this place lately? I ain’t sayin’ the carny here at Farmington Hills is cleaner, what with the animals and all runnin’ about, well, actually I am sayin’ it’s cleaner.
So, what could possibly be the point for the public to pay to use a “public” beach? Wait! What is that? Do I hear what I think I think I’m hearin’? Are the robber barons cryin’ poor, again? “Oh, we have to pay for the lifeguards. Waaaaaaa!!!!! Oh, we have to pay for the beach maintenance. Waaaaaa!!!! Oh, we have to pay to keep the beach clean. Waaaaaaaa!!!” Yea, I figured as much. Hey, here’s a tip for ya, if it’s that hard to pay for all that crap without gougin’ the public, then pack up and move the fuck away. Isn’t that what we constantly tell the starvin’ Africans? Move where the food is? Why should the public shoulder the cost of whatever “maintenance” goes on at the beach? I got four words for ya: Fucketh thateth. I guess that’s just the price you gotta pay for doin’ business down the shore. How much more money do these people have to make? My feelin’ is that it must not be that bad to have a business on the coastline. Housin’ prices alone are insane.
The question remains, what are you gettin' for all the money you spend on the beach tag? The pleasure of usin' the public beach? Gee, thanks. I just can’t wait to pay to take the Garden State Expressway back home. I could see if they were actually doin’ somethin’ useful with the money they charge to use a public beach. Take Ocean City for example. How hard would it be for them to set up some sort of showerin’ system for people to at least get cleaned off after a day at the public beach they just paid for? It doesn’t even have to be within a buildin’. Just somethin’ where you pull the chain, and rinse that nasty Atlantic Ocean filth off you. And believe you me, it’s nasty. Or better yet, how about a place for people to at least get changed. It’s not like you’re allowed to use the bathrooms to get changed. Which is again, ri-goddamn-diculous. Can’t they set-up some sort of changin’ facility every couple of blocks? Is that askin’ so much? Now that’s somethin’ I’d pay for. But, I guess it’s better that people get undressed at their cars, out in public. I mean, I certainly don’t mind. Especially if the people gettin’ changed outside are young, hot and female. Preferably between 19 – 22. And all giggly as they wrap a towel around themselves and slowly slide their bikini bottoms off. They giggle again as they look of at their girlfriends as they….uhhhh….never mind. I digress…I’m sure that Ocean City’s got plenty of excuses why they can’t provide public showers or a few places to change. If they did that, then they would have to charge you a fee to breath in the “public” air. You know, you’d have to buy some sort of “air tag”. Shit, I wonder if I can retract that. Can I go back and erase something after I posted it. Fuck. If I go to OC next year and I gotta buy an Air Tag, I’m gonna be seriously pissed, as I hand over the $20 to buy it.
Say, aren’t there like 10 casinos within 5 miles of Ocean City? How is it with these money printin’, gamblin’ places right there that the public still has to pay to use the public beach? WTFMFF?!?!?! Now, the Juice ain’t no genius or anythin’. The missus will certainly testify to that. But why aren’t the casinos payin’ for “beach maintenance” or the “lifeguards” or whatever crappy excuse these beach towns dream up? Why isn’t there a little tax that the casinos have to pay for whatever else the counties are usin’ to justify beach tags. See, the problem with my idea is that it makes too much sense. Why should the Donald have to fork over any unnecessary money? What does the community do for him? Besides, that dude needs every penny he can get. It ain’t easy only bein’ 205th on Forbes list of the world’s richest people. That’s 204 other assholes that you got starin’ down at you. Pity him. Pity him.
But, hey, I don’t want to unfairly target Ocean City. Other beach towns charge to use the public beach. There’s Margate, Avalon, Sea Isle, Brigantine, and Longport. You can always vacation in Fuckersville. It’s not like they charge you to use the public beach. Although I think they have those Air Tags.
Hang on while the Juice gets a little self-righteous and a bit political. The Juice hasn’t been this self-righteous since…well, my last post.
So, let’s talk a bit about the whole payin’ to use the public beach thing. Yes, I’m speakin’ of the dreaded beach tag. I just don’t get it. It’s a public beach, right? The last time I checked the beaches weren’t owned by anyone. Kinda like the airwaves. Time to get out your 6th grade civics book, folks. That is, if you can find it under your stack of old porno mags. Isn’t it sad what happened to the porno mag industry? With the onset of the internet, does anyone even buy mags anymore? When was the last time you checked out your local “newsstand”? Sad. There’s nothin’ like holdin’ porn in your hands. Sure, the internet is great. Shit, you can find any last freaky thing you're into. Just ask my friend Paco Reban. But, nothin’ like a sticky paged porno mag to get you over a long haul.
Anyway, gettin’ back to the public airwaves, they’re not really “owned” by any radio or TV station. The radio and TV stations are “licensed” to use the airwaves. In the end, they are still “owned” by the public. Hence, the term “public”, as in “public” airwaves, “public” restrooms and “public” beach. Like how I brought that full circle? So, the question remains: where do any of the municipalities and counties that line the Jersey coastline get off chargin’ for us to step foot one on a public beach? It’s ri-goddamn-diculous, really! The only thing that's slightly worse than payin' to use a public beach is to pay to use a toll road. But, I suppose that's a bitch for another day.
What’s even more fascinatin’, or mind numbin’ confusin’, is that there are a few beach communities that don’t charge you to use the public beach. ?!?!?!?!? Ummm…It’s the same fuck beach, right? I believe the Wildwood beaches are still “free”. Gee, thanks. Who the fuck wants to go to Childwood anyway? Have you been to this place lately? I ain’t sayin’ the carny here at Farmington Hills is cleaner, what with the animals and all runnin’ about, well, actually I am sayin’ it’s cleaner.
So, what could possibly be the point for the public to pay to use a “public” beach? Wait! What is that? Do I hear what I think I think I’m hearin’? Are the robber barons cryin’ poor, again? “Oh, we have to pay for the lifeguards. Waaaaaaa!!!!! Oh, we have to pay for the beach maintenance. Waaaaaa!!!! Oh, we have to pay to keep the beach clean. Waaaaaaaa!!!” Yea, I figured as much. Hey, here’s a tip for ya, if it’s that hard to pay for all that crap without gougin’ the public, then pack up and move the fuck away. Isn’t that what we constantly tell the starvin’ Africans? Move where the food is? Why should the public shoulder the cost of whatever “maintenance” goes on at the beach? I got four words for ya: Fucketh thateth. I guess that’s just the price you gotta pay for doin’ business down the shore. How much more money do these people have to make? My feelin’ is that it must not be that bad to have a business on the coastline. Housin’ prices alone are insane.
The question remains, what are you gettin' for all the money you spend on the beach tag? The pleasure of usin' the public beach? Gee, thanks. I just can’t wait to pay to take the Garden State Expressway back home. I could see if they were actually doin’ somethin’ useful with the money they charge to use a public beach. Take Ocean City for example. How hard would it be for them to set up some sort of showerin’ system for people to at least get cleaned off after a day at the public beach they just paid for? It doesn’t even have to be within a buildin’. Just somethin’ where you pull the chain, and rinse that nasty Atlantic Ocean filth off you. And believe you me, it’s nasty. Or better yet, how about a place for people to at least get changed. It’s not like you’re allowed to use the bathrooms to get changed. Which is again, ri-goddamn-diculous. Can’t they set-up some sort of changin’ facility every couple of blocks? Is that askin’ so much? Now that’s somethin’ I’d pay for. But, I guess it’s better that people get undressed at their cars, out in public. I mean, I certainly don’t mind. Especially if the people gettin’ changed outside are young, hot and female. Preferably between 19 – 22. And all giggly as they wrap a towel around themselves and slowly slide their bikini bottoms off. They giggle again as they look of at their girlfriends as they….uhhhh….never mind. I digress…I’m sure that Ocean City’s got plenty of excuses why they can’t provide public showers or a few places to change. If they did that, then they would have to charge you a fee to breath in the “public” air. You know, you’d have to buy some sort of “air tag”. Shit, I wonder if I can retract that. Can I go back and erase something after I posted it. Fuck. If I go to OC next year and I gotta buy an Air Tag, I’m gonna be seriously pissed, as I hand over the $20 to buy it.
Say, aren’t there like 10 casinos within 5 miles of Ocean City? How is it with these money printin’, gamblin’ places right there that the public still has to pay to use the public beach? WTFMFF?!?!?! Now, the Juice ain’t no genius or anythin’. The missus will certainly testify to that. But why aren’t the casinos payin’ for “beach maintenance” or the “lifeguards” or whatever crappy excuse these beach towns dream up? Why isn’t there a little tax that the casinos have to pay for whatever else the counties are usin’ to justify beach tags. See, the problem with my idea is that it makes too much sense. Why should the Donald have to fork over any unnecessary money? What does the community do for him? Besides, that dude needs every penny he can get. It ain’t easy only bein’ 205th on Forbes list of the world’s richest people. That’s 204 other assholes that you got starin’ down at you. Pity him. Pity him.
But, hey, I don’t want to unfairly target Ocean City. Other beach towns charge to use the public beach. There’s Margate, Avalon, Sea Isle, Brigantine, and Longport. You can always vacation in Fuckersville. It’s not like they charge you to use the public beach. Although I think they have those Air Tags.
posted by the Juice at 10:48 PM
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