Avoid the Southern New Jersey Beaches at All Costs: Prologue part 2
by the Juice
Please check out the first part of this Prologue here.
In the meantime, we pull back up to the ol’ trailer. And guess who’s at the door to greet us? Y’up. Snowflake. What a friggin’ surprise! So, I’m gettin’ that much more angrier. As I’m cussin’ and moanin’ almost uncontrollably, Un Predictable walks in. No kiddin’! After some significant hemmin’ and hallin’, Un gets the dog, the missus gets the bill and were OFF!… again.
We still have to stop at a STAR machine to get some money. Yes, the Juice knows how to use an ATM machine. And, yes, the Juice even has a STAR card. So, since we had to stop and get some greenbacks, we might as well stop at Walmart to finish off the errand runnin’. Quick as lightenin’, I get the cash, then dash into Walmart. Not too bad, it’s about 8:45 pm at this point. If you can think back from that far, we originally left at 7:00pm.
The only thing left to do at this point was to get some gas and were OFF!…again! I pull over to a gas station just before the on-ramp to interstate 275. Let’s fill this fucker up and finally…finally…we’re not OFF! WTFMFF!!!!!! I swear to the CHRIST. WHAT IS IT NOW???? Oh, Sara has to go to the bathroom.
“Are you kidding me?” I snarl?
“No, I have to go Daddy.”
“Why didn’t you go when we were home 20 minutes ago?”
Shrug…
“Well, we might as well go back home.” I say to her shaking my head so hard I’m hopin’ my head unscrews. I turn to the missus. “I keep tellin’ ya, we should just leave tomorrow mornin’”
“Why don’t we drive over to your mother’s? She’s only 5 minutes from here.” The missus suggests totally ignoring my pleas of sanity.
I give her the crazy eye, like I do every dang day. “Are you kiddin’ me? It’s almost 9. My mother’s been asleep for two hours already. You know how she is. The second the sun sets…”
“Why don’t we just drive over there?” If nothing else, the missus is persistent.
I shrug in helplessness. What the fuck, right? I know what’s gonna happen, but the fools have to see for themselves. As soon as we roll up to my mother’s place, every light is off. I knew it! But, I’m still playin’ along. I knock on the door, but I ain’t gonna ring her door bell at 9:00 at night. No answer, surprised? I wasn’t. I clench my teeth and walk as calmly as possible back to the car. As I open the car door, someone speaks up. “Is she up?”
I explode. My ass doesn’t even hit the seat. “WOULD I BE GETTIN’ IN THE FUCKING CAR IF SHE WAS UP?” Alright, alright. I actually didn’t explode. I just stuffed the anger back into the little box I keep in a tiny compartment in my stomach. Sure, that little boxed is a bit overstuffed. And the lil dude in charge of the box kindas gotta sit on it, like a suitcase, to lock it back up. But, it’s still a good lil program. Even if my left eye tends to twitch at weird times. Like right now.
What I actually said was: “We’re going home!” I spin the truck around and took ‘er home. Somewhere along the line everyone agreed with my assessment of the situation. Either they came to their senses, or they could sense the storm brewin’ in dear ol’ dad.
I gotta tell ya, along the way back home (for the second time) Jethro said somethin’ pretty dang observant. Especially for a 4 year old. As we’re passin’ McDonald’s on the way home, the boy says: “Sara can go to the bathroom in there.” He said pointin’at the restaurant. Of course, I “mis-heard” him. I said: “Sure, Jethro. I say we got to McDonalds for breakfast tomorrow.” That won over any remainin’ constituents still undecided. When I realized what the kid had said, I considered it for a second. Naw…fuck it!
So, there you have it. Over two hours in a car, without leavin’ a five mile radius of your house. And science said it couldn’t be done. That’s the problem with science today. It has no imagination, no faith. It’s all about the $ for scienticians today. $ and glory. It’s all Noble prizes and whores for these guys today. No really discovery.
I should’ve known to abandon the vacation right then and there. But, just like NASA, I never learn from my mistakes. Hell, I should’ve known how horrific the vacation was gonna be back when Lucifer was born. But, that’s just what dad’s do for their families. They sacrifice their talent, blood, youth, vigor, memory, vitality, looks, time, money, sleep, patience…
Next: The real fun begins!!!
Please check out the first part of this Prologue here.
In the meantime, we pull back up to the ol’ trailer. And guess who’s at the door to greet us? Y’up. Snowflake. What a friggin’ surprise! So, I’m gettin’ that much more angrier. As I’m cussin’ and moanin’ almost uncontrollably, Un Predictable walks in. No kiddin’! After some significant hemmin’ and hallin’, Un gets the dog, the missus gets the bill and were OFF!… again.
We still have to stop at a STAR machine to get some money. Yes, the Juice knows how to use an ATM machine. And, yes, the Juice even has a STAR card. So, since we had to stop and get some greenbacks, we might as well stop at Walmart to finish off the errand runnin’. Quick as lightenin’, I get the cash, then dash into Walmart. Not too bad, it’s about 8:45 pm at this point. If you can think back from that far, we originally left at 7:00pm.
The only thing left to do at this point was to get some gas and were OFF!…again! I pull over to a gas station just before the on-ramp to interstate 275. Let’s fill this fucker up and finally…finally…we’re not OFF! WTFMFF!!!!!! I swear to the CHRIST. WHAT IS IT NOW???? Oh, Sara has to go to the bathroom.
“Are you kidding me?” I snarl?
“No, I have to go Daddy.”
“Why didn’t you go when we were home 20 minutes ago?”
Shrug…
“Well, we might as well go back home.” I say to her shaking my head so hard I’m hopin’ my head unscrews. I turn to the missus. “I keep tellin’ ya, we should just leave tomorrow mornin’”
“Why don’t we drive over to your mother’s? She’s only 5 minutes from here.” The missus suggests totally ignoring my pleas of sanity.
I give her the crazy eye, like I do every dang day. “Are you kiddin’ me? It’s almost 9. My mother’s been asleep for two hours already. You know how she is. The second the sun sets…”
“Why don’t we just drive over there?” If nothing else, the missus is persistent.
I shrug in helplessness. What the fuck, right? I know what’s gonna happen, but the fools have to see for themselves. As soon as we roll up to my mother’s place, every light is off. I knew it! But, I’m still playin’ along. I knock on the door, but I ain’t gonna ring her door bell at 9:00 at night. No answer, surprised? I wasn’t. I clench my teeth and walk as calmly as possible back to the car. As I open the car door, someone speaks up. “Is she up?”
I explode. My ass doesn’t even hit the seat. “WOULD I BE GETTIN’ IN THE FUCKING CAR IF SHE WAS UP?” Alright, alright. I actually didn’t explode. I just stuffed the anger back into the little box I keep in a tiny compartment in my stomach. Sure, that little boxed is a bit overstuffed. And the lil dude in charge of the box kindas gotta sit on it, like a suitcase, to lock it back up. But, it’s still a good lil program. Even if my left eye tends to twitch at weird times. Like right now.
What I actually said was: “We’re going home!” I spin the truck around and took ‘er home. Somewhere along the line everyone agreed with my assessment of the situation. Either they came to their senses, or they could sense the storm brewin’ in dear ol’ dad.
I gotta tell ya, along the way back home (for the second time) Jethro said somethin’ pretty dang observant. Especially for a 4 year old. As we’re passin’ McDonald’s on the way home, the boy says: “Sara can go to the bathroom in there.” He said pointin’at the restaurant. Of course, I “mis-heard” him. I said: “Sure, Jethro. I say we got to McDonalds for breakfast tomorrow.” That won over any remainin’ constituents still undecided. When I realized what the kid had said, I considered it for a second. Naw…fuck it!
So, there you have it. Over two hours in a car, without leavin’ a five mile radius of your house. And science said it couldn’t be done. That’s the problem with science today. It has no imagination, no faith. It’s all about the $ for scienticians today. $ and glory. It’s all Noble prizes and whores for these guys today. No really discovery.
I should’ve known to abandon the vacation right then and there. But, just like NASA, I never learn from my mistakes. Hell, I should’ve known how horrific the vacation was gonna be back when Lucifer was born. But, that’s just what dad’s do for their families. They sacrifice their talent, blood, youth, vigor, memory, vitality, looks, time, money, sleep, patience…
Next: The real fun begins!!!
posted by the Juice at 11:31 PM
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