The Glory of...Salma Hayek
by the Juice
“She's as fine as she can be. She IS a bad mama jama…” Carl Carlton (i ain't makin' that one up. look it up for yourself)
Welcome to another installment of “The Glory of…”. Up for analysis today is the ultra delicious Salma Hayek. My, oh, my. What’s not to like about her? Well, I’ll tell ya. Where are the nude pictures? I know. I know what you’re thinkin’ “Hey, the Juice. Salma did that one movie where she was nude”. Yea, I know. Fritos, I think it was called. That was one of those “art house” movies. The kind of movie you have to be named “Chase” and wear horn-rimmed glasses in order to see it. Folks called “the Juice”, tend not to see a movie like that.
she’s purtty.
Besides, I saw those screen caps. That movie definitely did not do Salma justice! Even though you got to see her stuff, it wasn’t very satisfyin’. It was kinda like seein’ your sister naked. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad (unless you’re one of those perverts who likes to see your sister naked. or worse, you’re one of those perverts who likes to see his sister naked, even though you don’t have a sister. far be it for me to judge another man’s pleasure. either way, it probably wouldn’t be so bad if your sister was Salma Hayek. and as long as she wasn’t MY sister.), but it certainly wasn’t very stimulatin’. Not a single crank to those pics. Not a one. No sir.
yo! What’s that dude lookin’ at?
I wonder why Salma can’t show her stuff in some movie that I would see. You know, some movie with The Rock vs a battalion of nuclear waste injected zombies who eat the inside lining of your intestines. At some point in that movie, The Rock would just happen to rescue Salma from those zombies as they are rippin’ her clothes off to get to her tasty intestines. Exposin’ that A mazin’ body. Dang, just thinkin’ about it makes me want to take a 5 minute break for a visit to the men’s room.
stretch back, just a bit further…
But, no! She’s in some unsexy movie only the super smart (ie really stupid) would see. Meanwhile, I waste half a day scourin’ all over the net to find those dang Fritos pics. My buddy, Paco Reban, went on for days about how hot Salma looked in that movie (don’t be fooled, Paco didn’t see the movie. he just downloaded the pics too.). After I laid eyes on those less than sexy pics of Salma, I wanted to smack the stupidness out of Paco. He’s lucky he wasn’t there when I finally found the movie pics. I would’ve kicked his Irish ass straight back to Scotland. Or whatever country he’s from.
If only that dress moved over a bit more
The worse part is that I’ve got to use the computer at the Farmington Public Library to find anything, let alone those uncrankable Salma Hayek pics. It’s not one of most private of places to search for pics naked chicks. The library is usually deserted, though (who the fuck goes to libraries anymore besides the Juice?). The place’s not deserted enough for the Juice to crank one off. Although I’ve thought about it when Librarian Cook (Kook if you ask me) wasn’t lookin’. Which is pretty frequent considerin’ that Librarian Kook was King Solomon’s librarian. One second she’s conscious, the next she’s droolin’ all over your request to use the computer. However, I digress…
dang! what a great profile!
I was so pissed that I wasted all that time and energy lookin’ for those unsexy screen caps. I had to resort to my ol’ Jenna Jameson standby that night. It’s not like the missus was gonna put out twice in one month. It’s not like it was my birtday or anything.
What I want to know is why couldn’t Salma be like Halle Berry (i don’t care what you say, but Halle is as sexless as they come. sure, she’s got a bod that goes on forever. and if it had a personality attached to it, you’d sure go on forever bangin’ it. but as my brother, Father Brett, likes to point out, she’s probably the biggest whiner about her body ever.) and show her stuff in a mass produced feature? Now that’s what I’m talkin' about.
nice…uhhh…hair
I leave you with this final picture for my viewin' pleasure (and yours to, if you please). The sexiest butt shot in a long time…
“She's as fine as she can be. She IS a bad mama jama…” Carl Carlton (i ain't makin' that one up. look it up for yourself)
Welcome to another installment of “The Glory of…”. Up for analysis today is the ultra delicious Salma Hayek. My, oh, my. What’s not to like about her? Well, I’ll tell ya. Where are the nude pictures? I know. I know what you’re thinkin’ “Hey, the Juice. Salma did that one movie where she was nude”. Yea, I know. Fritos, I think it was called. That was one of those “art house” movies. The kind of movie you have to be named “Chase” and wear horn-rimmed glasses in order to see it. Folks called “the Juice”, tend not to see a movie like that.
she’s purtty.
Besides, I saw those screen caps. That movie definitely did not do Salma justice! Even though you got to see her stuff, it wasn’t very satisfyin’. It was kinda like seein’ your sister naked. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad (unless you’re one of those perverts who likes to see your sister naked. or worse, you’re one of those perverts who likes to see his sister naked, even though you don’t have a sister. far be it for me to judge another man’s pleasure. either way, it probably wouldn’t be so bad if your sister was Salma Hayek. and as long as she wasn’t MY sister.), but it certainly wasn’t very stimulatin’. Not a single crank to those pics. Not a one. No sir.
yo! What’s that dude lookin’ at?
I wonder why Salma can’t show her stuff in some movie that I would see. You know, some movie with The Rock vs a battalion of nuclear waste injected zombies who eat the inside lining of your intestines. At some point in that movie, The Rock would just happen to rescue Salma from those zombies as they are rippin’ her clothes off to get to her tasty intestines. Exposin’ that A mazin’ body. Dang, just thinkin’ about it makes me want to take a 5 minute break for a visit to the men’s room.
stretch back, just a bit further…
But, no! She’s in some unsexy movie only the super smart (ie really stupid) would see. Meanwhile, I waste half a day scourin’ all over the net to find those dang Fritos pics. My buddy, Paco Reban, went on for days about how hot Salma looked in that movie (don’t be fooled, Paco didn’t see the movie. he just downloaded the pics too.). After I laid eyes on those less than sexy pics of Salma, I wanted to smack the stupidness out of Paco. He’s lucky he wasn’t there when I finally found the movie pics. I would’ve kicked his Irish ass straight back to Scotland. Or whatever country he’s from.
If only that dress moved over a bit more
The worse part is that I’ve got to use the computer at the Farmington Public Library to find anything, let alone those uncrankable Salma Hayek pics. It’s not one of most private of places to search for pics naked chicks. The library is usually deserted, though (who the fuck goes to libraries anymore besides the Juice?). The place’s not deserted enough for the Juice to crank one off. Although I’ve thought about it when Librarian Cook (Kook if you ask me) wasn’t lookin’. Which is pretty frequent considerin’ that Librarian Kook was King Solomon’s librarian. One second she’s conscious, the next she’s droolin’ all over your request to use the computer. However, I digress…
dang! what a great profile!
I was so pissed that I wasted all that time and energy lookin’ for those unsexy screen caps. I had to resort to my ol’ Jenna Jameson standby that night. It’s not like the missus was gonna put out twice in one month. It’s not like it was my birtday or anything.
What I want to know is why couldn’t Salma be like Halle Berry (i don’t care what you say, but Halle is as sexless as they come. sure, she’s got a bod that goes on forever. and if it had a personality attached to it, you’d sure go on forever bangin’ it. but as my brother, Father Brett, likes to point out, she’s probably the biggest whiner about her body ever.) and show her stuff in a mass produced feature? Now that’s what I’m talkin' about.
nice…uhhh…hair
I leave you with this final picture for my viewin' pleasure (and yours to, if you please). The sexiest butt shot in a long time…
posted by the Juice at 11:04 PM
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