Conversations with Bane: Can't Give It Away

by CQF


S'up folks! The Juice here. I feel the need to remind you all that some of the things on this blog, nay, most of the things on this blog are a JOKE. You might call it satire, but satire would involve some thought. Ain’t no thinkin’ goin’ on round these parts. Keep all that in mind, when readin’ the followin’ post. Don’t send me your emails complainin’. I know what CQF is writin’ about. Again, it’s meant to be FUNNY. Some of you folks seriously need to lighten up. Or get yourself laid. Or at least a handjob. Hmmmmm! That gives me an idear

Welcome to our weekly installment of Conversations with Bane. Today's topic is a dozy. Talk about a "hot button". It all begins with the announcement of Sandra Day O'Connors retirement...

Mother in law (aka Bane) and I are crowded around the breakfast nook late one evening. When normal people might feel they are imposing at such a late hour, Bane has no pretense. With my wife going out about her business, not letting the presence of her mother slow her down, I surf the web on my laptop. I'm doing my best to ignore her, but Bane is babbling on (to no one inparticular) about the Supreme Court, Sandra Day O’Conner and the hopeful overturning of abortion. Personally, I maintain that the abortion law should not be overturned. However, before the anti-abortionist start attacking me, let me at least explain my philosophy. I don’t believe in abortion. If I had a daughter, and she came home pregnant, I would NOT encourage abortion. I would hope to be more understanding than that. All that being said, I also don’t believe how I feel should affect other people. That’s part of living in a free society. What other people do, as long as it does not affect me or society in general, is between them and their god. I don’t want to say much more, all will be revealed below.

Mother in law begins the inanity be declaring in her most god-like fashion, “Abortion is wrong and it should be against the law.”

Behind my laptop screen, I roll my eyes. I swear I’m not getting sucked up into it again. I just keep on scrolling.

Seeing that I'm not biting on her fishing expedition, Bane comes right out with it. “What do you think about it, Chuck?” Don’t be fooled. She knows how I feel. She’s just pushing my buttons.

“You don’t want to know my opinion, Mom.” I mutter.

Bane stands there aghast. “What! Don’t tell me you believe in abortion!”

I hesitate. This could lead down a very long road that I’m not in the mood to go on. Without looking up, I reply. “I believe in a person’s right to choose. That's all I'm saying.”

“But what about the baby’s right to choose?”

Oh, no. Here we go. I can feel the sarcasm in my blood surfacing. “Was it ever established that an unborn fetus is a baby?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, really.” I close the lid to the laptop. Now, I’m perked up. “When?”

“There was that law.” Mother in Law stammered. The wheels were turning. “You know, the one about partial birth abortions.”

“Hmmmm." I pause thoughtfully for a moment. I bit dramatic. I know. "I’m not real sure about that one. I don’t think it was decided one way or the other. Besides, I think that you need laws to protect people’s rights. You don’t need a law to not protect people's rights.”

Mother in Law stands there stunned. It doesn't matter to her what I just said. “I can’t believe you believe in abortion, Chuck.”

“I’m not saying I do or don't. What I am saying is that there is no need for a law outlawing abortion. A woman can always choose not to have one. What we need is a law to protect people’s rights to have something. Whether it be abortion of freedom of speech. Just because I don’t agree with something doesn’t mean we necessarily need a law against it. This is a free country, right? ”

Now I know that was way too heavy for Bane. How could I tell? It was probably the broken record look on her face. She didn’t respond right away. It was almost as if she needed that swat to the back of the head to get the needle moving on the record again.

I was really hoping that was the end of it. Maybe I confused her enough that the conversation was over. Just I was about to flip the lid on the laptop, Bane responded. “Well, what if Albert Einstein’s mother aborted him? We would be living under Hitler’s rule today.” She gave me that smile. The one that says "i've got you, you pretentious asshole". Only thing is, Bane doesn't use words like "asshole". Too profane. Although, I'm sure she's all dirty with my Father in Law. I'm sure she's using it on a weekly basis with him. "Oh, Harold. Put it in my asshole.". The thought makes me want to Clorox my brain. Anyway...

I love the aborted Einstien argument! I love when people bring that up. I especially love it when Bane brings it up. “You can’t say that." I responded. "You don’t know the ramifications of Einstein’s mother aborting him. The whole course of human nature would be changed”

“That’s my point.” Mother in Law said proudly.

“You're just assuming that if Einstein wasn’t born that we would automatically be living under Nazi rule. You can’t assume that. You don’t know where history would’ve taken us.” I take a deep breath. I’ve got to maintain composure. The sarcasm needle is way into the red. “Besides, Einstein didn’t invent the atom bomb by himself. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, Einstein didn’t have any involvement with building the atom bomb. Beyond writing a letter to Roosevelt urging him to go ahead with it's production.”

I know that if you throw facts at her, Mother in Law tends to get frustrated. Facts have no significance in her reality. Only things that people have told her. Truth or otherwise. And Bane is frustrated now. And when she’s frustrated, she always resorts to what she think she knows best. “Well, it doesn’t matter. The bible says abortion is wrong!”

I don't even hesitate. “No it doesn’t”. I said matter of factly

Man I wish I had a camera to show you the look on her face. “Yes it does, Chuck!”

“Mom, I’m no expert on the bible. But, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anywhere in the bible that abortion is wrong.”

“Thou shall not kill!” she exclaimed.

“That maybe true, But, it doesn’t specifically say anywhere in the bible that abortion is wrong.”

“Thou shall not kill.” Bane repeated getting more frustrated by the second.

“Again, that maybe true, but that still has nothing to do with abortion being “wrong”. They didn’t even perform abortions back in those days.” I’m just assuming they didn’t. It’s not like I lived back then.

“But, God meant abortions too when he said thou shall not kill.”

I could go in so many directions with this argument. I pick the easy one. “How do you know?”

“Know what?” Bane asked confused.

“That God meant abortions, too?”

“Because, it says Thou Shall Not Kill!” She was really starting to get upset.

Since my wife, Samantha, still wasn’t around to save her mother (or me), I pressed the buttons a bit more. It’s not very often that I’m not the one who’s frustrated. “But they didn’t perform abortions back then. So how do you know that’s what God meant? Did God tell you that himself? Or are you just assuming that’s what God meant?”

“When God wrote the bible, he meant ALL killing was bad.”

Again, I could go two ways here. Do I pursue the God writing the bible part or the all killing is bad part. Tough decision. I go with the first. “But, God didn’t write the bible.”

The sound of her jaw hitting the table echoed through the house. I wonder if Samantha heard it. “Yes, he did.” Bane was getting clearly flustered.

This is great! I’m trying not to laugh. It would only piss her off more. Where do I go from here? Do I pursue the God as a “he” part or continue on the God writing the bible bit? “No. God didn’t write the bible. From what I understand it was written by several different people.” Her confusion was great. The more contorted her face became, the more I pressed. “And there was supposedly one dude editing the whole thing together.” I took a breath. “On top of all that, I believe it was all written in Latin.”

“So?” she replied horrified by my accusations.

“You can’t translate directly from Latin to English. Some things get lost in the translation. So who knows what is true?”

This was becoming all too much for her to bear. “Well…Abortion is wrong! I don’t care who you say wrote the bible or not. It’s just wrong!” With that she stamped out of the room. Probably to go tell on me to my wife.

I never said these conversations were going to make sense, just entertaining. Hopefully…