The World's Greatest Invention: Air Conditionin'

The Juice made the mistake of steppin' out of doors the other day. It was friggin' hot. Man! Was it hot. With the sweat drippin' off my balls, I got to thinkin' about one of the world's greatest inventions: Air Conditionin'. The Juice is here today to give a shout out to the dude who invented air conditionin’. That dude deserves a hummer from the best lookin' chick on the planet, I don't mind tellin' ya. Since I'm representin', the Juice's has also got to give a bigger shout out to god for sendin’ down the idear for air conditionin’ to the guy who invented it. If only the big guy would send down idears like that to the Juice. Who am I to complain, though? The big guy sends me down idears for funny posts that don't make me dime one, and he (or she) sends down idears like air conditionin', dvd players and sliced bread to other folks. Yea, I see the fairness in it all.


I know it’s hard to believe, but the Juice ain’t a super rich fella. I gotta buck to my name, but not much more. Believe you me, though, if I didn't have 30 kids to support, dang, I'd be shittin' money. But you and me been down that road before. The Juice works hard day in day out to support the kids. All of the Juice's time, energy and cash goes to said family. The one thing I expect, nay, demand is that the air conditionin’ be on. That’s all. I’m a simple man to please. All’s I need is five god damn minutes to myself in the bathroom, a few super wicked hot chicks to nail once in awhile, a good nights sleep, some superman comic books and air conditionin’. Since the Juice ain’t gettin’ anythin’ prior on the list, the air is on every dang day that it’s hot. Even if it only threatens to be hot, the air is on.

Now the missus, she ain’t that particular. In fact, she only puts the air on as a last resort. Fucketh thateth, to that I say. It got so hot at times in the Brockman homestead, that the Juice had to lay down some laws. Once the trailer hits 85 degrees, as a rule of thumb, it's time to turn the air on. Is that too much to ask? My other air conditionin' decree? The air best be on a hour before I get home. Or there will be some serious hell to pay. So let it be written, so let it be done. Surprisinly, these decrees are largely upheld. Really! For real! Not sure why they are, as opposed to the other thousand decrees I set forth daily, but those 2 are.

I honestly don’t get the folks who don’t use air conditionin.’ It's there, use it! It's fuckin' retarded (my apologies to my handicapped readers, especially the blind ones). And, believe it or not, I know a few people who don't use the air. Like my brother in law. He never uses the air. WTFMFF?!?!?!? The reason? “It’s cooler where he lives.” Now you might think he lives in Maine or Canada or even Ant-fuckin-artica. No. He lives 15 minutes from me. Walk with me while I try to capture the irony for you. If it’s 97 degrees out, not includin’ the humidity, wouldn’t it be safe it assume that 13 miles away it’s about the same tempature? Yea…if it’s hot. It’s hot. I believe Pythagoras (you can put away your 9th grade mathbooks now. the Juice did all the work for you. just click on that crazy greeks name to find out who he was, cause you know your stupid ass forgot)came up with this equation: Heat = heat = heat (I knew you wouldn’t think it was funny. You really suck). Heat ain’t like the rain, folks. You know, sometimes the rain does that funny shit where it’s rainin’ in one place, but 2 feet away it ain’t. Well, heat is equal opportunity. If it's hot in my drawers here, it's hot in my drawers over there.

I’ve been to my Brother in Law's house when it’s hot outside. And let me tell you, it’s just as hot where he lives as it is where the Juice lives. In fact, it’s hotter. Cause they don’t use the air!!!!!!! And let me just confirm for you that the Juice isn't bein' his usually pussy self here when in comes to the heat. It's hot in his house. My Brother in Law is always tryin' to sell me that they don’t need it. He’ll say to me, “I don’t know about you Bruce, but the heat don’t bother me.” And honestly, it doesn’t bother him. I’ll tell him as sarcastically as I can, “Yea, the heat don’t bother me none, either.” Meanwhile, the sweat is drippin' off my nose.

So, why doesn't he like the air? The same reason the missus don't like usin' it. Money!!!! How fuckin' stupid is that? "Oh, I don't want to use the air conditioner cause our electric bill will go up." So the fuck what? Put the fuck air on. You use the heat in the winter, dontcha? How come it's okay to put the heater on, but not the air? I'm tellin' ya now, it ain't ok. Put the fuckin' air on you morons! I don't give seven shits that they didn't have air conditionin' a hundred years ago. This is 2005. Put the fuck air on. They didn't have cell phones 100 years ago, but I'm sure you non usin' air conditionin' types have the fanciest dang cell phone around.

Let me close by sayin' this, if you're invitin' the Juice over to your place, you best have the air on, or I ain't comin'. Unless that's the reason why you don't have it on to begin with. If that's the case, then go fuck yourself.