Tales From the Vacation Part Four of Too Many

by the Juice

I swear recappin’ is such a pain in the ass. I wish I had some sort of video montage to bring you folks who don’t follow along up to speed. Until I get that workin’ (don’t hold your breath. i'll be showin' videos when you start sendin' me money), you can check out part 1 here, part 2 here and the first half of part 3 here and the second half of part 3 here. Now let me get on with my dang story, already…

If you remember from The Kingdom of Magic Isn’t for Kids Part 3, I briefly spoke about the Dumbo ride. And the lines. Those suck ass lines. I thought about updatin' that post, but feel I would do better justice this way.

From this post, I said about hittin' Dumbo first thing in the mornin'. I didn’t even take my own advice. What a maroon! Since we ate breakfast at the Polynesian, we didn’t get into Magic Kingdom until after 11 in the morning (remember this is still on Sunday). And the line was obscenely long. Not to mention how hot is was. And I wasn’t about to wait. So, I did what every parent does that doesn’t want to wait for a stupid carnival ride(that they paid 60 bucks a person for), I told the kids that Dumbo was only for good kids. Kids that listened to their mommy’s and daddy’s. And unless they changed their behaviors right quick, they wouldn’t be ridin’ that happy fuck elephant until their next lives. That bought me some time.


doesn't that look like a fucking blast?

So after the trip to the first aid station , the missus and I noticed how empty the park was. It was well after seven pm, and the park wasn’t closin’ until 9:30. Let’s hit those rides! I drug the little turds on every ride. I had time and money to make up. There was no way I wasn't gettin' my money's worth while I still had life in me. However, I made the mistake of passin’ Dumbo again. Damn, myself! Damn myself to hell!


don’t believe it. not for a second

The sign said the wait was a half hour. I tried to pull the ol' good kids/dumbo routine again, but the kids weren't buyin' it this time. Even the missus was on the kid's side this time. "It's only 30 minutes, Bruce." Thirty minutes my ass. Fucketh thateth. But, meanwhile every other ride in Fantasyland (which, by the way, is no fantasyland. fantasyland involves no kids, no wife, no suck ass job. it's wall to wall hot chicks, pro wrastlin', ice cream and plenty of 'toons. did i mention wall to wall hot chicks? that you nail whenever you want. not "oh, i'm tired." or "the kids are cryin'" or "i hate your lazy, no workin' ass." just tons of "give it to me again, the Juice" or "do whatever you want to me, the Juice" or "do whatever you want to who ever you want, the Juice". now, that's fantasyland) has a wait time of 5 minutes. WTF, I say. WTF, indeed!


that ain't the line to get your money back

Now there’s this “rumor” that the folks at Disney like to propagate. How the time on the sign is not the actual wait time. They jack the time up a few minutes to make it seem like it didn’t take as long. Just like the government, McDonald’s and your kids, Disney is mindfuckin’ ya. Well, it turns out that rumor is either untrue or it just doesn’t apply to Dumbo. ‘Cause we didn’t wait a half hour. We waited 45 minutes! And that was after 8 o’clock at night. Oh, I was miffed. Actually I don’t know if I was more miffed or wonderin’ how my ex-girlfriend, the supermodel, was spendin’ her time at that moment. Probably in the middle of some 3-way. Or makin’ millions of dollars barely showin’ off her stuff again. But, whatever…



So, we got on. And it was the best minute and half of my life! Well, second best minute and half of my life. There was that time when I passed out in the middle of the gas station. And the hottest little health-care worker just happened to be fuelin’ her car. Well, she saw me pass out and gave me sweet mouth to mouth. I came to after about 30 seconds, but held out for another minute. When she started bangin’ on my chest, I figured it was time to get up.


al's flying carpets. see? it's just like Dumbo.

The part that pisses me off the most is that across the park, Aladdin’s Magic Carpets, which is the same dang thing as Dumbo (only minus the elephants), had no one on it. No one! We rode that fucker 5 times! But, was that good enuf for the children, noooo…


oh, so close…only another 50 minute wait!


We had to wait for Dumbo. And not only did we have to wait once, we had to wait for it 2 other times durin' the vacation. Oh, yes! Triple the fun.!


waitin’ for take off. can't fuckin' wait!

Next…only the baddest motherfucker get pulled over in Disney World