A Slight Diversion. Or Revenge of the Sith reviewed
By the Juice
“Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father?!?!?” Homer Simpson
Everyone and their dead uncle’s father has been reviewin’ the new Star Wars movie Revenge of the Sith. I figured I might as well add my two cents. I wouldn’t so much call this a review of Sith as much as I would call it a commentary on the prequels in general. You can call it a complete waste of time, for all I care.
Like Lucas, though, I have to give you some back story to my commentary. Why? Cause I friggin’ feel like it. Everyone and their dead uncle’s father knows Star Wars. Or think that they know Star Wars. All because they’ve seen Original Trilogy(or OT as the Star Wars losers call it. ooops! I forgot. Star Wars folks don’t like to be called losers. they prefer morons) 50 million times. The problem with said people and Star Wars is that they think they owned it. These morons saw the OT when they were young. And it left an imprint on them like a duckling to a human (that’s how stupid ducks are. the first thing they see they think it’s their mother. how fuckin’ dumb, am I right? what if I just happen to have my 12 incher hangin’ out when a duckling hatched? y’up! you guessed it. that duck would be worshippin’ my manhood the rest of it’s existence. finally! somethin’ would worship me that I didn’t have to pay $200 an hour for.) On top of that, these morons have had the better part of 2 decades to digest the material. When you’ve had that kind of time to be obsessive, nothing will ever compare to it.
Which brings us to the Prequels (or PT for you non Star Wars fans out there. you know, you “normal” folk. the ones that pay $200 a seat to watch 2 teams of douche bags pound the hell out of each other for four hours in the vain attempt to score a “touch down”. oh! that doesn’t sound like a complete waste of time. that sounds soooo fulfillin’. and there’s somethin’ wrong with Star Wars geeks?) I have mixed emotion about the PT. I enjoyed Phantom Menace. I wasn’t a big fan of Attack of the Clones, though. So, what was my opinion of Revenge of the Sith. It was good, I think. Maybe. My overall feelin’ is this ol’ George had too much story to tell. He should have kept his dang mouth shut about how many episodes Star Wars was supposed to be back at the end of the seventies. That way we could’ve had an episode 2.5 and an episode 3.5.
That bein’ said, after only seeing the movie 7 times, here are my soft conclusions. The biggest problem I have is that Anakin’s fall seems too quick. It took him, what? Three weeks to turn to the dark side? I know. I know. His mommy. The sandpeople. Padme (was it me or did the normally totally fuckable Natalie Portman seem a bit, piggish?). Blah, Blah, fucking Blah. For the dude who was the “chosen one”, Anakin sure was a pussy. All that whinin’ and bitchin’. “Oh, the Jedi took me away from my mommy. Who cares that they gave me my freedom. It would’ve been so much better on Tatoonie, where Watto would have used me like a five republic credit whore” Boo-fuck-who. “Oh, those terrible Jedi taught he how to use the force and be more powerful than 99% of the population.” Boo-fuck-who. “Oh, those nasty Jedi fed me, clothed me, put up with my reckless antics for twenty odd years.” Boo-fuck-who. Man! And Luke was whiney? No wonder Anakin took 3 days to turn.
My other real problem with the movie was with what wasn’t in the movie. Where the hell was Qui-Gon? George couldn’t fork over the necessary monies to get the pretentious Liam Neeson to “forget” how “difficult” it was to act in front of a blue screen and get his sanctimonious ass front and center of a Star Wars camera? Where the hell was the scene where Qui-Gon’s tellin’ Obi-Wan and Yoda how to become one with the force? Instead I had to hear Yoda in his backwards tongue (yes, even backwards for my limited intelligence) tell Obi-Wan some stupid line about whatever. That ain’t good storytellin’. That’s what you call story telling. There’s a difference. Look it up in one of your fancy university books.
And what about Yoda being dumped off on Dagobah? How great would it have been to see the look of dejection on Yoda’s face when he limped off the speeder onto that mud hole of a planet? How the mighty douchebaggary have fallen, I’d say. Now that look is storytellin’. But, no such scene. We can all pray for the dvd, though. And don’t get me started on the ridiculousness of an extended edition 6 dvd Star Wars set
I know what you’re thinkin’ “But, Juice, the movie was already 2.5 hours long. How long do you want the movie to be?” As long as it has to be to tell the story right, that’s how long. Like I said, if George would’ve kept his wordhole shut about how many episodes there were suppose to be, we could be up to our arses in Star Wars movies. But, nooo…There’s 9 movie. No three. No six movies. Shut the fuck up! Just tell the dang story! But what the fuck do I know? Lucas lives on a multi-acre ranch. I live in a multi-foot trailer home.
In the end, though. Sith was good. I think. I rank it as such:
1) Empire
2) New Hope
3) Tie: Jedi v Sith (nice! Get it? Jedi v Sith. The Jedi are the good guys, the Sith bad guys. Return of the Jedi v Revenge of the Sith. Man, how lyrical)
5) Menace
6) Clones
So, in concludin’ I say this: The original trilogy kicks the prequels everyday of the year. Except Arbor Day. Then it’s a crap shoot. That being said, OT or PT, they’re all just movies. Get the fuck over yourself! You ain’t six anymore. Embrace the movies for what they are: Movies. And get a fuck life. There’s more to existence than debatin’ which trilogy is better. And speakin’ of debatin’ trilogies…Stay tuned. Cause comin’ up soon, I’m gonna tell you why Star Wars is better than that crapfest called Lord of the Rings everyday of the year. Even Arbor Day.
“Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father?!?!?” Homer Simpson
Everyone and their dead uncle’s father has been reviewin’ the new Star Wars movie Revenge of the Sith. I figured I might as well add my two cents. I wouldn’t so much call this a review of Sith as much as I would call it a commentary on the prequels in general. You can call it a complete waste of time, for all I care.
Like Lucas, though, I have to give you some back story to my commentary. Why? Cause I friggin’ feel like it. Everyone and their dead uncle’s father knows Star Wars. Or think that they know Star Wars. All because they’ve seen Original Trilogy(or OT as the Star Wars losers call it. ooops! I forgot. Star Wars folks don’t like to be called losers. they prefer morons) 50 million times. The problem with said people and Star Wars is that they think they owned it. These morons saw the OT when they were young. And it left an imprint on them like a duckling to a human (that’s how stupid ducks are. the first thing they see they think it’s their mother. how fuckin’ dumb, am I right? what if I just happen to have my 12 incher hangin’ out when a duckling hatched? y’up! you guessed it. that duck would be worshippin’ my manhood the rest of it’s existence. finally! somethin’ would worship me that I didn’t have to pay $200 an hour for.) On top of that, these morons have had the better part of 2 decades to digest the material. When you’ve had that kind of time to be obsessive, nothing will ever compare to it.
Which brings us to the Prequels (or PT for you non Star Wars fans out there. you know, you “normal” folk. the ones that pay $200 a seat to watch 2 teams of douche bags pound the hell out of each other for four hours in the vain attempt to score a “touch down”. oh! that doesn’t sound like a complete waste of time. that sounds soooo fulfillin’. and there’s somethin’ wrong with Star Wars geeks?) I have mixed emotion about the PT. I enjoyed Phantom Menace. I wasn’t a big fan of Attack of the Clones, though. So, what was my opinion of Revenge of the Sith. It was good, I think. Maybe. My overall feelin’ is this ol’ George had too much story to tell. He should have kept his dang mouth shut about how many episodes Star Wars was supposed to be back at the end of the seventies. That way we could’ve had an episode 2.5 and an episode 3.5.
That bein’ said, after only seeing the movie 7 times, here are my soft conclusions. The biggest problem I have is that Anakin’s fall seems too quick. It took him, what? Three weeks to turn to the dark side? I know. I know. His mommy. The sandpeople. Padme (was it me or did the normally totally fuckable Natalie Portman seem a bit, piggish?). Blah, Blah, fucking Blah. For the dude who was the “chosen one”, Anakin sure was a pussy. All that whinin’ and bitchin’. “Oh, the Jedi took me away from my mommy. Who cares that they gave me my freedom. It would’ve been so much better on Tatoonie, where Watto would have used me like a five republic credit whore” Boo-fuck-who. “Oh, those terrible Jedi taught he how to use the force and be more powerful than 99% of the population.” Boo-fuck-who. “Oh, those nasty Jedi fed me, clothed me, put up with my reckless antics for twenty odd years.” Boo-fuck-who. Man! And Luke was whiney? No wonder Anakin took 3 days to turn.
My other real problem with the movie was with what wasn’t in the movie. Where the hell was Qui-Gon? George couldn’t fork over the necessary monies to get the pretentious Liam Neeson to “forget” how “difficult” it was to act in front of a blue screen and get his sanctimonious ass front and center of a Star Wars camera? Where the hell was the scene where Qui-Gon’s tellin’ Obi-Wan and Yoda how to become one with the force? Instead I had to hear Yoda in his backwards tongue (yes, even backwards for my limited intelligence) tell Obi-Wan some stupid line about whatever. That ain’t good storytellin’. That’s what you call story telling. There’s a difference. Look it up in one of your fancy university books.
And what about Yoda being dumped off on Dagobah? How great would it have been to see the look of dejection on Yoda’s face when he limped off the speeder onto that mud hole of a planet? How the mighty douchebaggary have fallen, I’d say. Now that look is storytellin’. But, no such scene. We can all pray for the dvd, though. And don’t get me started on the ridiculousness of an extended edition 6 dvd Star Wars set
I know what you’re thinkin’ “But, Juice, the movie was already 2.5 hours long. How long do you want the movie to be?” As long as it has to be to tell the story right, that’s how long. Like I said, if George would’ve kept his wordhole shut about how many episodes there were suppose to be, we could be up to our arses in Star Wars movies. But, nooo…There’s 9 movie. No three. No six movies. Shut the fuck up! Just tell the dang story! But what the fuck do I know? Lucas lives on a multi-acre ranch. I live in a multi-foot trailer home.
In the end, though. Sith was good. I think. I rank it as such:
1) Empire
2) New Hope
3) Tie: Jedi v Sith (nice! Get it? Jedi v Sith. The Jedi are the good guys, the Sith bad guys. Return of the Jedi v Revenge of the Sith. Man, how lyrical)
5) Menace
6) Clones
So, in concludin’ I say this: The original trilogy kicks the prequels everyday of the year. Except Arbor Day. Then it’s a crap shoot. That being said, OT or PT, they’re all just movies. Get the fuck over yourself! You ain’t six anymore. Embrace the movies for what they are: Movies. And get a fuck life. There’s more to existence than debatin’ which trilogy is better. And speakin’ of debatin’ trilogies…Stay tuned. Cause comin’ up soon, I’m gonna tell you why Star Wars is better than that crapfest called Lord of the Rings everyday of the year. Even Arbor Day.
posted by the Juice at 10:39 PM
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