Greeting Cards in Review: Father's Day

by the Juice

I know that you were expectin’ the second part of Tales from the Vacation 3.1 at this point. And to be honest, I have it written. And by the Christ, it's funny. But yet again, I’m pre-emptin’ Happy Days. Don’t worry, though, I promise Vacation 3.2 will be my next post.

In honor of Father’s Day (or as my kids call it Fadder’s Day) and due to the impressive feedback I got back from my post, The Snockerin’ of you by Hallmark (and by impressive feedback I mean how much I laughed when I re-read it), I’m startin’ a new feature here at Dissertation Station. I’m gonna’ review greetin’ cards. How the hell does this tie into Fadder’s Day? Well, the first three cards we’re startin’ with are for Fadder’s Day. How’s that for synergy?

I picked a small assortment of cards from Wal-Mart. And let me tell you, this small assortment cost me almost $10 bucks! That’s just friggin’ ridiculous. I’m making this cost effective, though. One of these cards I’m gonna give to my ol’ man. Can you guess which one? The answer will be at the end.

Our first card up is a standard “serious” Father’s Day card. I can guaren-damn-tee that no son is buyin’ this card for his father.



It’s got some terrible sentiment on the front. Here’s what the front SHOULD have on it




And on the inside, it’s worse. It says some shit like…”Whether you were having me help with a certain chore or gently coaching me with schoolwork or sports…” I gotta stop right there. Now I don’t know about your ol’ man. But my pop’s way of me helpin’ him with a certain chore was him tellin’ me (and I ain’t paraphrasin’ here) “Ya wanna help? Stay the hell outta the way.”




I wonder if by the “gently coachin’ me with…” bit Hallmark meant screamin' in your face until you got the times tables right. Or swingin’ the ol’ Louisville slugger until it was nearly midnight with him screamin' at ya. “You swing like a friggin’ girl. Let me get your sister. I bet she could hit a ball better than you.” But, whatever…

The text goes on in the card “…I learned so many valuable ways of thinking that have shaped my life…” Yea that I’ll never be better than the Velcro tester that I’m destined to be. “You shared the benefits of your experience, allowed me to express my own ideas and, yes, even let me make my own mistakes.” That last part is a laugh fuck riot. Probably the best part of the whole card. Make a mistake? Oh, you better not make a mistake. Unless you wanna be shamed of your existence for the next week or so. You might as walk through school naked, then make a mistake in front of dear ol’ dad.

I’m really in love this next card. It practically called out to me from it’s spot next to the rest of the loser cards. This one is for all you out there with the (key dramatic music) STEP FATHER. Here’s the front of the card.



Here’s what the front should say…



Here’s what the inside of the card says:



Here’s what I think it should say:




And finally here’s the last card.



And the inside



Nothing more needs to be said. This card says it all.

So can you guess which card I’m givin’ my ol’ man? It’s the first one. Yes, I’m givin’ my dad a serious card. DON’T BE SO STUPID! (dang, I even sound like my pop). Of course I'm not givin' him the first one. Have you read any of this? Why would I give my dad a serious card? It ain't for real. Like I said. No one feels that way about anyone. "Cept mayber a hooker. C'mon! It’s the last one you moron. That’s the card I’m givin' my father. And a box of smokes. He likes Kool.

Next up? The second part of Vacations. Now get off my back.