The Glory of...Ms. Simpson (and I don't mean Lisa)

by the Juice

She floats like a swan
Grace on the water
Lips like sugar
Lips like sugar

“Sugar Kisses” – Echo and the Bunnymen.

I was thinkin’ about doin’ a top ten of the chicks I think are the hottest ever. After some consideration, I thought that maybe the whole “top ten” countdown thing was a bit overplayed. ‘Specially when talkin’ about chicks. I mean, come on. Every other issue Maxim or Stuff or Swank is talkin’ about how hot this one is or the boobs on that one. What kind of commentary could I possibly add to those already thought provokin’ issues?

So, the other day I was watchin’ MTV at my local drinkin’ establishment, Bubba’s Bar n Grill (I wouldn’t so much call it a bar or a grill. I would more call it a hole in the wall. A very dark, dank, scary hole in the wall). I wasn’t so much watchin’ as starin’ blankly at the tv wonderin’ how the hell my life ended up so wonderfully. As I’m starin’ into the great beyond, I notice Jessica Simpson singin’ about somethin' in some bar. I asked Geek, the bartender, to turn up the volume. He told me to go fuck myself. I told him I’d rather go fuck his mama. And that I would, if he didn’t turn up the dang volume. Long story short, he turned up the volume.



Jessica Simpson was sreechin’ on about somethin’. To be honest with ya, it doesn’t matter, really. I was too enthralled with the way she moved her sweet ass. And that’s when it hits me. Instead of doin’ some stupid list, I’ll do a post on the hottest chicks one at a time. I’ll dedicate a whole post singin’ the glories of a particular hot gal. How’s that for inspiration? And what better bacon, egg and cheese biscuit to start off then with droolinly hot Jessica Simpson.



Ahhh…Jessica Simpson. Sigh! What’s a Kentucky lovin’ boy like me to do? Besides crank off many, many, MANY times. I’m probably gonna sound like a stalker here, but that’s ok. I’ll indulge for a moment. Besides, I can honestly say that I have never sent anything or been 5 feet within that goddess. But, oh, if I was! Oh if I was…



What’s not to like about her? Plenty, for sure. That personality. Ughhh. I hear she’s on the donor list for that experimental personality transplant. It’s quite a list with Angelina Jolie, Bill O’ Reilly, Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise just before her. But if Jesse (as she likes for me to call her) hangs in there she might just make it.



And to be honest, she don’t take a great picture. In fact she should avoid still shots. But, when she’s movin’? Oh, my…


imagine that face hangin’ over you. And somethin’ else in her hand.

However, what there is to like about her more than makes up for her beautiful flaws. See for yourself…



Man, what would I do! I’d wash her car. Lie on the witness stand. Clean her dog’s ass with my toothbrush. Club baby seals at an elementary school assembly. Shit, I’d even clip my toenails!



I tell the missus that someday I’m gonna leave her and go marry Jessica. She usually just laughs and says that Jessica doesn’t want a no workin’, mullet wearin’, sit on the toilet instead of stand while you pee, idiot like me. She wants a real man. One that will fuck her in the a...uhhh....Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Sorry about that. Uhhh…the missus didn't really say that part. About the fucking and the, well, I was just...uhh. Well. Never mind. I just want to apologize to my sweet, innocent Jesse. Sorry, honey. Uhhh...Let's just move along. Move along. Nothing more to see here. Except this…



The missus is lucky that I’m just gonna leave her and marry Jessica. Not do her mortal harm and then marry Jessica (NO EMAILS. I’m a complainer, not a murderer. Besides if I were to harm the missus in anyway, how would I be able to spend any time with my sweet Jesse? Behind a 2 inch thick plate of glass? Not much bodily contact goin' on there. And all’s I want is a little contact with that hot bod. So…I’ll just bid my time.)

I’ll leave you with this final thought…