Books from my kids' room: The Monster at the End of this Book
Spoiler alert: Grover did it!
This book is like the Amityville Horror for 3 – 5 year olds. It continues to scare the crap out Barbara and Jethro. Half way thru the book the two of them are near tears from fear. And they know how the fucking book ends! It ain’t a surprise to them. I swear to the Christ, the first time I read this book to them, they didn’t sleep for a week! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Kids can be incredibly stupid sometimes. Enuf of that, though. It’s on with the show…
The name of the game with this book is mind fuckin’. From the get go, Grover is like a mad magician. Buckle the fuck up, 'cause open the book and BAM! Grover is already messin' with your puny brains! And this ain't me talkin'. That's the kind of smack Grover dishes out. Behind closed doors, that is. Oh, he plays a good game of stupid, but believe you me, he ain’t. He’s stupid like a fox.He’s teasin’ you with the ol’ “This is a very dull page. What is on the next page?” And like the bitch you are, you fall for it. Yes, Grover, I wonder what IS on the next page.
And like a dude who just lost his helmet in a motorcycle accident, Grover pulls the ol’ “WHAT DID THAT SAY?…Did that say there was a monster at the end of this book?” Like he wasn’t payin’ attention! That’s what Grover is all about. He shows you what’s in the right hand, and by the time you remember about the left, he’s got your money, your car and your bitch.
So, he spends the next few pages “tryin'” to convince you not to turn any more pages. What he’s really doin’ is eggin’ you on. Oh, he begs and pleads a good game, but he’s just settin’ you up. And as usual, you fall for it like the large mouth bass you are.
At this point, Grover turns it up a notch. He starts tyin’ pages together with what looks like cattle ropin’ rope. He then pulls out some 2 x 4s and starts boardin' pages up. When this fails, he turns to my personal favorite: bricks and mortar. Yea, that’s right. Grover goes out of his way to build “a heavy, thick, solid, strong brick wall” all in attempt to stop you from turnin’ pages and getting’ to the end of the book.
It’s funny, though. After each attempt, I’m still able to turn the page. How hard is Grover tryin’ here? I mean I see a string around a page, I ain’t goin' anywhere near a book. Let alone a brick wall. See where I’m comin’ from? He ain’t tryin’. He’s just puttin’ on like he is. Oh, he looks like he's scared. He’s sellin’ it like the devil himself is waitin’ for you at the end. He’s the consummate actor. I don’t know where this cat went to acting school, but he sure can lay it on thick. (It’s usually about this point in the book that my kids are so fucking scared the tears are wellin’. They’re so far up my ass, I won’t need to visit the ol’ proctologist for a few years.)
Of course, each time I manage to turn the page. What a surprise, right? After he realizes that bindin' the pages together isn’t gonna work, he resorts to appealin’ to your emotions. I reiterate, this muppet is the master of the mind fuck. If it’s not your head, he’s usin' your heart like a five dollar whore. “Please, do not turn the page. Please. Please. Please.” He goes on to beg. He’s that “scared” of the monster at the end of the book. Pul-lease!
So, it turns out that the monster at the end of the book is really Grover.
Now, I know I’m bound to get a threatenin' letter from the lawyers at Sesame Street (i wonder if the lawyers on Sesame Street are muppets. or are they real lawyers who will take away everything i own. which to tell you the truth ain't much, so maybe those crazy muppet lawyers should bring it the fuck on), how I “ruined” the end of their book, but I say “Fuck them.” Digression Alert! Digression alert!…I told you that Grover will fuck with you any second he can get. And true to form, he does. I don’t buy that he “forgot” he is a monster. Not for one goddamn minute, I don’t believe him. The whole dang book he’s messin' with ya. Do you see it yet? DO YOU? He’s worse than that crazy guy at the end of that movie “Saw”. And if you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, save yourself a few sleepless nights and DON’T SEE THAT MOVIE.
The last page of the book is a simple one. I won’t ruin it for you. But, it holds the key to the whole story. I will tell you this, though. He should be embarrassed for screwin' with you so much. Whoops! I gave it away, again!
This book is like the Amityville Horror for 3 – 5 year olds. It continues to scare the crap out Barbara and Jethro. Half way thru the book the two of them are near tears from fear. And they know how the fucking book ends! It ain’t a surprise to them. I swear to the Christ, the first time I read this book to them, they didn’t sleep for a week! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Kids can be incredibly stupid sometimes. Enuf of that, though. It’s on with the show…
The name of the game with this book is mind fuckin’. From the get go, Grover is like a mad magician. Buckle the fuck up, 'cause open the book and BAM! Grover is already messin' with your puny brains! And this ain't me talkin'. That's the kind of smack Grover dishes out. Behind closed doors, that is. Oh, he plays a good game of stupid, but believe you me, he ain’t. He’s stupid like a fox.He’s teasin’ you with the ol’ “This is a very dull page. What is on the next page?” And like the bitch you are, you fall for it. Yes, Grover, I wonder what IS on the next page.
And like a dude who just lost his helmet in a motorcycle accident, Grover pulls the ol’ “WHAT DID THAT SAY?…Did that say there was a monster at the end of this book?” Like he wasn’t payin’ attention! That’s what Grover is all about. He shows you what’s in the right hand, and by the time you remember about the left, he’s got your money, your car and your bitch.
So, he spends the next few pages “tryin'” to convince you not to turn any more pages. What he’s really doin’ is eggin’ you on. Oh, he begs and pleads a good game, but he’s just settin’ you up. And as usual, you fall for it like the large mouth bass you are.
At this point, Grover turns it up a notch. He starts tyin’ pages together with what looks like cattle ropin’ rope. He then pulls out some 2 x 4s and starts boardin' pages up. When this fails, he turns to my personal favorite: bricks and mortar. Yea, that’s right. Grover goes out of his way to build “a heavy, thick, solid, strong brick wall” all in attempt to stop you from turnin’ pages and getting’ to the end of the book.
It’s funny, though. After each attempt, I’m still able to turn the page. How hard is Grover tryin’ here? I mean I see a string around a page, I ain’t goin' anywhere near a book. Let alone a brick wall. See where I’m comin’ from? He ain’t tryin’. He’s just puttin’ on like he is. Oh, he looks like he's scared. He’s sellin’ it like the devil himself is waitin’ for you at the end. He’s the consummate actor. I don’t know where this cat went to acting school, but he sure can lay it on thick. (It’s usually about this point in the book that my kids are so fucking scared the tears are wellin’. They’re so far up my ass, I won’t need to visit the ol’ proctologist for a few years.)
Of course, each time I manage to turn the page. What a surprise, right? After he realizes that bindin' the pages together isn’t gonna work, he resorts to appealin’ to your emotions. I reiterate, this muppet is the master of the mind fuck. If it’s not your head, he’s usin' your heart like a five dollar whore. “Please, do not turn the page. Please. Please. Please.” He goes on to beg. He’s that “scared” of the monster at the end of the book. Pul-lease!
So, it turns out that the monster at the end of the book is really Grover.
Now, I know I’m bound to get a threatenin' letter from the lawyers at Sesame Street (i wonder if the lawyers on Sesame Street are muppets. or are they real lawyers who will take away everything i own. which to tell you the truth ain't much, so maybe those crazy muppet lawyers should bring it the fuck on), how I “ruined” the end of their book, but I say “Fuck them.” Digression Alert! Digression alert!…I told you that Grover will fuck with you any second he can get. And true to form, he does. I don’t buy that he “forgot” he is a monster. Not for one goddamn minute, I don’t believe him. The whole dang book he’s messin' with ya. Do you see it yet? DO YOU? He’s worse than that crazy guy at the end of that movie “Saw”. And if you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, save yourself a few sleepless nights and DON’T SEE THAT MOVIE.
The last page of the book is a simple one. I won’t ruin it for you. But, it holds the key to the whole story. I will tell you this, though. He should be embarrassed for screwin' with you so much. Whoops! I gave it away, again!
posted by the Juice at 3:56 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Get me outta here!!!