The Kingdom of Magic Isn't for Kids. Two of ?
If the heat don’t kill ya, the humidity will!
So, you suffered thru part I. And you’ve come back for some more insight. Nice! You’re in for a tasty treat. For this installment you’re gonna need a map. Preferably of the good ol US of A. But, whatever you have on hand is fine. Also, you'll need your brains. If you’ve got any that is. Manja!!!!
Did you know that Disney World is in Florida? And did you know that Florida is somewhat close to the equator? Closer then, say, Minnesota. Now, if you remember from 7th grade science, the closer you are to the equator, the hotter it gets. And beings that Florida is fairly close to the equator, is would reason that it’s hot. Right? Well you’d reason wrong. Because, it ain’t hot. It’s the 5th level of Dante’s hell! And being the morons you are, you’re gonna take the kids to Disney in the summer. Cause, god forbid you take the lil darlings out of school. Timmy might not make it into Harvard if he misses a fucking week of school. Boo fucking Hoo. “Settle down, Bruce. What’s the big deal about summer?” Is that what you’re askin'? Well, the big deal is this: Because of the tilt of the Earth on it’s axis and the blah, blah, blah (don’t pressure me. i ain’t no scientician) Florida is that much closer to the sun in the summer then, say, the winter. Long story short? It’s a bit warmer in the summer than you're used to. Unless you're from Florida. Or Texas. Or New Mexico, Arizona, Southern California, and so on. If you are from any of the above mentioned places, then color me stupid. Otherwise, you're in for a long sufferin'.
But wait! Don’t put that map away yet! Take another gander at it. Notice all that water around Florida? “They” call that a "peninsula". Headin' back to middle school geography, a peninsula is a section of land surrounded by water. What does this have to do with how French women shave their pits? I’ll tell ya. Water = humidity. Lots of water = lots of humidity. Heat + Humidity = you not being the happiest of campers around. You know what I can’t stand? When those stupid fucking weather douche bags say “With the humidity it feels like 110.” Do we really need to know that? It just seems like such an assholish thing to say. When it reaches past 92, is anybody noticin' the difference? “Gee, Dave it’s 96 today.” “Yes, Bob, but with all this humidity doesn’t it feel like 110?” “No you idiot, it feels like its too fucking hot to be outside.” I normally would digress here, but I have a point. In Florida, humidity matters. Let’s just say, that if you're a fan of breathin', don’t go to Florida in the summer. Cause (i’m prematurely ejaculatin' here by bringin' things full circle too soon, especially since i’ve got another 3 parts of this series to go. but it’s your own fault for teasin' me so much) with all that humidity, the air in Florida is thicker than pea soup. And you're gonna take your kids there? Do you actually think that you’re gonna have fun doing all that walkin' in that steam bath they call a vacation destination, with the loves of your life in tow? I can guaren-damn-tee that after five minutes of this abuse you’ll be lookin' for the nearest blunt object to beat the hell out of your kids. But, you’ll be sufferin' from heat exhaustion. And the only thing you WILL be able to do is suffer through all their whinin' and bitchin'. You'll be wishin' that you HAD bought the Mickey Mouse cyanide tablet from the hotel gift shop. It was cherry flavored to! You poor bastard!
Take a piece of advice from The Juice, if you gotta take the kids, take them in the fall. I’d like to think that you might thank me for that nugget of wisdom, but you won’t. Cause all you do is take. I prefer money to "thanks", anyway. Everyday of the week. Including Sunday.
To recap: Florida * (Close to equator + peninsula + summer) = you better have some sort of sedative for yourself.
Come back tomorrow. Because although it seems like I’ve made my point, there’s still plenty more! But, probably not tomorrow.
So, you suffered thru part I. And you’ve come back for some more insight. Nice! You’re in for a tasty treat. For this installment you’re gonna need a map. Preferably of the good ol US of A. But, whatever you have on hand is fine. Also, you'll need your brains. If you’ve got any that is. Manja!!!!
Did you know that Disney World is in Florida? And did you know that Florida is somewhat close to the equator? Closer then, say, Minnesota. Now, if you remember from 7th grade science, the closer you are to the equator, the hotter it gets. And beings that Florida is fairly close to the equator, is would reason that it’s hot. Right? Well you’d reason wrong. Because, it ain’t hot. It’s the 5th level of Dante’s hell! And being the morons you are, you’re gonna take the kids to Disney in the summer. Cause, god forbid you take the lil darlings out of school. Timmy might not make it into Harvard if he misses a fucking week of school. Boo fucking Hoo. “Settle down, Bruce. What’s the big deal about summer?” Is that what you’re askin'? Well, the big deal is this: Because of the tilt of the Earth on it’s axis and the blah, blah, blah (don’t pressure me. i ain’t no scientician) Florida is that much closer to the sun in the summer then, say, the winter. Long story short? It’s a bit warmer in the summer than you're used to. Unless you're from Florida. Or Texas. Or New Mexico, Arizona, Southern California, and so on. If you are from any of the above mentioned places, then color me stupid. Otherwise, you're in for a long sufferin'.
But wait! Don’t put that map away yet! Take another gander at it. Notice all that water around Florida? “They” call that a "peninsula". Headin' back to middle school geography, a peninsula is a section of land surrounded by water. What does this have to do with how French women shave their pits? I’ll tell ya. Water = humidity. Lots of water = lots of humidity. Heat + Humidity = you not being the happiest of campers around. You know what I can’t stand? When those stupid fucking weather douche bags say “With the humidity it feels like 110.” Do we really need to know that? It just seems like such an assholish thing to say. When it reaches past 92, is anybody noticin' the difference? “Gee, Dave it’s 96 today.” “Yes, Bob, but with all this humidity doesn’t it feel like 110?” “No you idiot, it feels like its too fucking hot to be outside.” I normally would digress here, but I have a point. In Florida, humidity matters. Let’s just say, that if you're a fan of breathin', don’t go to Florida in the summer. Cause (i’m prematurely ejaculatin' here by bringin' things full circle too soon, especially since i’ve got another 3 parts of this series to go. but it’s your own fault for teasin' me so much) with all that humidity, the air in Florida is thicker than pea soup. And you're gonna take your kids there? Do you actually think that you’re gonna have fun doing all that walkin' in that steam bath they call a vacation destination, with the loves of your life in tow? I can guaren-damn-tee that after five minutes of this abuse you’ll be lookin' for the nearest blunt object to beat the hell out of your kids. But, you’ll be sufferin' from heat exhaustion. And the only thing you WILL be able to do is suffer through all their whinin' and bitchin'. You'll be wishin' that you HAD bought the Mickey Mouse cyanide tablet from the hotel gift shop. It was cherry flavored to! You poor bastard!
Take a piece of advice from The Juice, if you gotta take the kids, take them in the fall. I’d like to think that you might thank me for that nugget of wisdom, but you won’t. Cause all you do is take. I prefer money to "thanks", anyway. Everyday of the week. Including Sunday.
To recap: Florida * (Close to equator + peninsula + summer) = you better have some sort of sedative for yourself.
Come back tomorrow. Because although it seems like I’ve made my point, there’s still plenty more! But, probably not tomorrow.
posted by the Juice at 10:03 PM
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