The Kingdom of Magic Isn't for Kids Three of ?
The waiting is the hardest part…
Welcome back to part 3 in my series on Disney World isn’t for kids. Good stuff, right? All shit you never thought of? But, for some reason (probably because I am) you think I’m just a backwater, know nothin', stick-up-his-ass, hick. And you’re still gonna take Timmy and Jenny to Disney World. Well, before you book those plans, read a bit further.
This is where it starts to gettin a bit hairy. I’m gonna refer back to part 1 and part 2 here, so hang on. If you didn’t read them, stop right now! If you continue on without readin' those parts, everything will be fucked up! Reality will unfurl! Everything will cease to exist! If you did read those two insightful articles, Great! I'll sleep easy tonight.
In part 1, I talked about how big the place is. Well, here’s the funny part. It’s kinda like ironical, really. And not in the good way, either. Walt Disney World is fucking huge, but the place is usually so friggin' packed that you gotta wait in line for everything. And not in the good way, either. It’s kinda like goin' to your local supermarket on Saturday mornin'. God only knows why you would go on Saturday mornin', but you go anyway. You’re only there for pimento loaf. One and dun, right? As you go down the aisle toward the deli counter, you get that uneasy feelin'. Like something ain’t quite right. And just as you leave the aisle to walk toward the counter, it hits you. Are all these people waiting for lunchmeat? Ughhhh…fuck me, you think to yourself as you pull ticket 237 from the magical ticket makin' machine. You don’t want to, but you have to look. What number are they up to? 194? Fucketh thateth! The worst part, though? You have nothin', NO THING to do. Nothin' to read. Nothin' to play with. But, the good part is by the time they call your number, you’ll know EXACTLY how many grey hairs the fuck in front of you has. Are you familiar with that wait? Well multiple that by 12, because that’s what the wait in line for a ride at Disney World is like. Without all that delicious anticipation of bringin' home cured meats.
Even if you're smart enough not to take your kids in the summer, you’re still gonna wait in lines. Cause you’re still dumb enough to take them in an unsummer season. I hear what you’re sayin'. “It’s probably not as crowded in the fall, or the winter or spring. Right, Bruce?” I would respond with an affirmative (surprised by that one?). But. But, you’re still gonna wait for rides. No matter the time of year. Unless you beeline it to a specific ride, say, Dumbo (and by beeline, i mean draggin' those little bastards of yours as fast as you can. so fast, that their Keds are leaving rubber marks down Main Street) right when the park opens, you’re waitin' at least 45 minutes. Yes, at least 45 MINUTES! Cause Dumbo only holds like 16 kids at a time. So, you’re waitin'. And no amount of beggin', pleadin' or all around lobbyin' is gonna convince your kids not to go on Dumbo. The kids, they love Dumbo. WTF, I say. And I don’t care that they installed the Aladdin magic carpets on the other side of the Magic Kingdom, it ain’t the same. That’s what I don’t get about kids. Don’t they realize that they are only goin' around in circles for 2 minutes? Get out the calculators, here. You’re gonna wait at least 45 minutes to go around in a flying elephant for less than 2 minutes! Dang! Kids are so stupid! I mean, for those two minutes Dumbo should at least tickle your balls, or somethin'. Can I get an amen? Alas, no ball ticklin'. So, unfortunately you’ll have to suffer for your kids stupidity.
I forgot the most important part of our equation. Not only are you waitin' for a stupid ride, but you’re doin' it in the hottest of hot heats. That’s the best part! The damn Dumbo que is outside! Yes! I loves me the Florida heat. How much sense would it make for the Disney folks to enclose the que, set up some air conditioners, and throw up a monitor or two? Play a movie or somethin'. They've got all those "great" cartoons, right? Shit, I'd settle for some more of those good ol' brain washin' commercials. Somethin' to at least dull the senses. I’m not askin' for porno here. But, wouldn't that be great? That would definitely make that wait that much more bearable. But, they won’t. I mean, the amount of money Disney is makin' off of you. On the soda alone (hint, hint. Little spoiler info for you…). It’s the least they can do. But, they don’t. And I digress...…
Now, I’m not really familiar with your kids. And believe you me, I don’t want to be. I got enough of my own. But, I’d be willin' to wager my stately fortune that your kids aren’t what they call “waiters”. You know that + 45 minute wait I was just ramblin' on about (and to be honest, i’m being VERY generous sayin' it’s 45 minutes)? It’s not like you’re doin' that time in a vacuum. Those kids of yours are gonna be right there with you. Cryin', whinin' and all around mind fuckin' you the whole time. Unless you’ve got the willpower of a freshly caught CIA agent, you ain’t makin' it with your brains intact. Take my advice, pick up the Mickey Mouse cyanide tablet before you leave your resort. I hear cherry’s the flavorist!
And don’t get yourself thinkin' that it’s just Dumbo your gonna wait on. All the good rides, you’re waitin'. Oh, you’ll breeze right thru Cinderella carousel, the teacups and the Timekeeper (if it’s open). But that's because they SUCK! If it’s got a hint of entertainment, better pack somethin' to read, cause you waitin'.
To recap: Waitin' in line BLOWS! Nuf said!
Tomorrow’s installment: Better take out that third mortgage, you’re gonna need it!
Welcome back to part 3 in my series on Disney World isn’t for kids. Good stuff, right? All shit you never thought of? But, for some reason (probably because I am) you think I’m just a backwater, know nothin', stick-up-his-ass, hick. And you’re still gonna take Timmy and Jenny to Disney World. Well, before you book those plans, read a bit further.
This is where it starts to gettin a bit hairy. I’m gonna refer back to part 1 and part 2 here, so hang on. If you didn’t read them, stop right now! If you continue on without readin' those parts, everything will be fucked up! Reality will unfurl! Everything will cease to exist! If you did read those two insightful articles, Great! I'll sleep easy tonight.
In part 1, I talked about how big the place is. Well, here’s the funny part. It’s kinda like ironical, really. And not in the good way, either. Walt Disney World is fucking huge, but the place is usually so friggin' packed that you gotta wait in line for everything. And not in the good way, either. It’s kinda like goin' to your local supermarket on Saturday mornin'. God only knows why you would go on Saturday mornin', but you go anyway. You’re only there for pimento loaf. One and dun, right? As you go down the aisle toward the deli counter, you get that uneasy feelin'. Like something ain’t quite right. And just as you leave the aisle to walk toward the counter, it hits you. Are all these people waiting for lunchmeat? Ughhhh…fuck me, you think to yourself as you pull ticket 237 from the magical ticket makin' machine. You don’t want to, but you have to look. What number are they up to? 194? Fucketh thateth! The worst part, though? You have nothin', NO THING to do. Nothin' to read. Nothin' to play with. But, the good part is by the time they call your number, you’ll know EXACTLY how many grey hairs the fuck in front of you has. Are you familiar with that wait? Well multiple that by 12, because that’s what the wait in line for a ride at Disney World is like. Without all that delicious anticipation of bringin' home cured meats.
Even if you're smart enough not to take your kids in the summer, you’re still gonna wait in lines. Cause you’re still dumb enough to take them in an unsummer season. I hear what you’re sayin'. “It’s probably not as crowded in the fall, or the winter or spring. Right, Bruce?” I would respond with an affirmative (surprised by that one?). But. But, you’re still gonna wait for rides. No matter the time of year. Unless you beeline it to a specific ride, say, Dumbo (and by beeline, i mean draggin' those little bastards of yours as fast as you can. so fast, that their Keds are leaving rubber marks down Main Street) right when the park opens, you’re waitin' at least 45 minutes. Yes, at least 45 MINUTES! Cause Dumbo only holds like 16 kids at a time. So, you’re waitin'. And no amount of beggin', pleadin' or all around lobbyin' is gonna convince your kids not to go on Dumbo. The kids, they love Dumbo. WTF, I say. And I don’t care that they installed the Aladdin magic carpets on the other side of the Magic Kingdom, it ain’t the same. That’s what I don’t get about kids. Don’t they realize that they are only goin' around in circles for 2 minutes? Get out the calculators, here. You’re gonna wait at least 45 minutes to go around in a flying elephant for less than 2 minutes! Dang! Kids are so stupid! I mean, for those two minutes Dumbo should at least tickle your balls, or somethin'. Can I get an amen? Alas, no ball ticklin'. So, unfortunately you’ll have to suffer for your kids stupidity.
I forgot the most important part of our equation. Not only are you waitin' for a stupid ride, but you’re doin' it in the hottest of hot heats. That’s the best part! The damn Dumbo que is outside! Yes! I loves me the Florida heat. How much sense would it make for the Disney folks to enclose the que, set up some air conditioners, and throw up a monitor or two? Play a movie or somethin'. They've got all those "great" cartoons, right? Shit, I'd settle for some more of those good ol' brain washin' commercials. Somethin' to at least dull the senses. I’m not askin' for porno here. But, wouldn't that be great? That would definitely make that wait that much more bearable. But, they won’t. I mean, the amount of money Disney is makin' off of you. On the soda alone (hint, hint. Little spoiler info for you…). It’s the least they can do. But, they don’t. And I digress...…
Now, I’m not really familiar with your kids. And believe you me, I don’t want to be. I got enough of my own. But, I’d be willin' to wager my stately fortune that your kids aren’t what they call “waiters”. You know that + 45 minute wait I was just ramblin' on about (and to be honest, i’m being VERY generous sayin' it’s 45 minutes)? It’s not like you’re doin' that time in a vacuum. Those kids of yours are gonna be right there with you. Cryin', whinin' and all around mind fuckin' you the whole time. Unless you’ve got the willpower of a freshly caught CIA agent, you ain’t makin' it with your brains intact. Take my advice, pick up the Mickey Mouse cyanide tablet before you leave your resort. I hear cherry’s the flavorist!
And don’t get yourself thinkin' that it’s just Dumbo your gonna wait on. All the good rides, you’re waitin'. Oh, you’ll breeze right thru Cinderella carousel, the teacups and the Timekeeper (if it’s open). But that's because they SUCK! If it’s got a hint of entertainment, better pack somethin' to read, cause you waitin'.
To recap: Waitin' in line BLOWS! Nuf said!
Tomorrow’s installment: Better take out that third mortgage, you’re gonna need it!
posted by the Juice at 9:59 PM
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