The Kingdom of Magic Isn't for Kids. One of ?

When a gal tells you size doesn't matter, she's a fucking liar...

A friend of mine once had a brilliant observation about Walt Disney World. So brilliant that it certainly bears repeatin'. Now, I’m paraphrasin' here. ‘Cause lets face it, my buddy could barely put 2 words together. Let alone spew forth any kind of profundity. But, in his own intelligible way, he did. So…here it is:

Against popular notion, Disney World is NOT for kids. I know, I know. I know what you're thinkin'. Why the hell am I readin' this shit? That’s a great question. One that I don’t really have any answer for. Cause quite frankly, I’m not sure why I’m wastin' my time writin' this crap. It’s not like any of you bastards appreciate any of my droplets of wisdom. Would a "thank you" kill you once in a while? Would a “Hey Bruce, thanks for saving my life!” hurt once in awhile? Whatever…

The point is on the surface Disney World SEEMS like it’s for kids. It’s got all the goofy rides (get it? Goofy? Hee! Hee!) and the wonderful themes (did I actually use the word “wonderful”? how fucking fruity is that?) and store after store after shop after cart after vending machine full of overpriced crap that kids just love. But, believe you me…DISNEY WORLD AIN’T FOR KIDS. You’ve got to be a complete idiot to take your kids to Disney. I’m taking all 8 of my kids in a few weeks. I’ll let you know how I make out.

So…why if is seems like it’s for kids, is it not for kids? Well, I can sum it up in one word: OVER-FUCKIN'-LOAD. Huh? What do you mean, Bruce? Well, I’ll be more than happy to tell you. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

Where to begin? Where to begin? Well, for one the place is huge. It’s twice the size of Manhattan. Wait, let me write that slower for you. 'Cause I know that didn’t sink in. Walt Disney World is more than twice the size of Manhattan. There’s four major parks, 3 water parks, golf courses, more hotels room then there are real boobs in LA (not that i've ever been to LA. just what i hear on tv. there seems to be a lot of fake breasts out there). What the fuck are they gonna do with all that extra land? Squeeze another god damn park or three in there? There’s too much to do as it is. Too much to do! And they want you to do it in a fucking week? “They’ve” got to be insane! What they really want for you to do is stay for a damn month. But what’s this got to do with the rain in Spain? Hear me out…

So the fucking parks are big. The Magic Kingdom is 107 acres. Animal Kingdom is over 500 acres. I can’t find the acreage of the other 2 parks (cause i’m way too lazy to do the research. let’s face it, i don’t love you enough to do the leg work. sorry). What I’m gettin' at in a very long winded sort of way is that’s a lot of walkin'. That’s a lot of walkin' for a normal person. But a kid with short, puny legs? After five minutes the 'lil bastards will be complainin' how their feet hurt. “Daddddyyyy, my feet hurt!” "I swear to god, if anyone else bitches how much their feet hurt, I’m gonna beat the livin' hell out of them." Hey, feel free to use that last statement. Free of charge. You’re gonna need it. Cause those kids are gonna get on your nerves.

Part 2 Whenever I feel like finishin' it, now leave me the hell alone...