The Kingdom of Magic Isn't for Kids Four of ?

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.- Groucho Marx

Part 4!?! Wow! Seems like just seven days ago I started part 1. Those were the days, weren’t they? A Starbucks on every corner. $2.50 for a gallon of gas. Is Britney pregnant? Is she not? Did anyone truly give a shit? Man, those were the good old days. I wish I could go back. If I could buy a time machine, I would go back to those days. Right after I went back in time got a hummer from Marilyn Monroe, kicked Hitler in the sac, and had mimosas with Ernest Hemingway. Damn the makers of time machines. Damn them straight to hell. But, enuf about the past. I’m movin' on. The wake doesn’t move my ship forward. I do!

So, in case you suffer from short term memory loss, or are just too lazy to click on the links at the right, here’s the recap. Walt Disney World ain’t for kids, in my estimation. Why? It’s too big. It’s too hot. And the lines are too long. You need more convincin'? Read on, soldier…

This time, it's all about the Benjamins. I hope you worked hard all year. Socked away plenty of overtime. Cause you’re gonna need it. And not just to get to Disney World, either. Although, I would start plannin' a series of bank heists to bank roll this crazy trip your thinkin' about takin' (hey, before you start, i’m not condonin' bank robberies. so, i don’t want to be called as a witness or a suspect if you're dumb enuf to follow thru with what i’m sayin' here. i'm kinda speakin' metaphorically. kinda). Just to get there and to stay for a week you’re lookin' at a couple grand. Oh, you read that right. A couple of grand! I’m talkin' for a family of four, here on out (by the by). If you're like me and can’t keep it in your pants, you're obviously gonna need more flow. Keep in mind that’s it’s significantly cheaper for 2 people. Even cheaper for one! Leave ‘em at home, Kemosabe

Ok. You’ve managed to put aside a small payroll to get WDW. Congratufuckinglations! Better add a few more banks to that heist your “plannin'”. You’re gonna need double that for hangin' there for the week. “C’mon, Bruce. You’ve got to be exaggerating. You’re always exaggerating.” Yea, I’m a big fan of tellin' large tales. But, I ain’t here. I’ll break it down for you.

If you’re like me, you get thirsty every once in awhile. Picture this, if you will: It’s hot. Bloody hot. You see a cart sellin' cold, refreshing drinks. Nice! God, that’s nice! You saunter on over to the cart. "How much is that for a water?" you ask the sweetie behind the cart. 2.50???? Yea, that’s right. And you know you have to buy one of those refreshin' beverages for everyone in the clan. So, you’re lookin' at 10 dollars (family of four, remember?). Yes, 10 FUCKING DOLLARS JUST FOR COLD, REFRESHING BEVERAGES. At least it’s refreshin'. My advice? Besides cancellin' everythin' and headin' to Hedonism by yourself? Only buy 1 beverage a day. They've got plenty of water fountains around.

You like to eat, right? I’m sure your kids like to also. You’re gonna pay for all that eatin' you like to do. Even if you're like me, and you go the cheapest way (that means eating only breakfast and dinner at the counter resturants. i don’t love the family that much to spend $17 bucks a person for an all you can eat buffet. fucketh thateth), you’re still lookin' at 50 bucks a day. And snacks? You know those kids are a pain in the ass when it comes to snacks. “Daddy, I’m hungry. I want ice cream. I WANT ICE CREAM” It’s like the angels are singin'. Where’s my god damn cyanide tablet!!! Anyway, those Mickey Mouse ice creams are a few bucks each. So are the pretzels, the turkey legs and the blah, blah, blah. Very long story short? It’s a lot of fuckin' money. It ain’t over yet, though. What about the souveniers?

You know, I'm tired. I didn't want it to go down this way, either. I wanted to be done with this bullshit already. It's givin' me a fucking headache. I've got other things I want to do. I have a life! But, it's hard typin' with a baby in your lap. Yup, you guessed it! If it's after 10 at night, Lucifer must be up. I'll tell you all about the cheese they pass off as souvies when I get a fuckin' spare minute.