Don't forget the sunscreen!!!

As the Juice was walkin’ down the aisle of my local Wal-Mart I passed the rather lengthy section of sunscreens. Have you see how many different sunscreens there are? What’s the deal with that shit, anyway? When did it become so frickin’ important to put the crap on? As best the Juice can recollect, it had to be within the last ten years. All of the sudden it’s become “Oh, the sun! Don’t let the light of the sun touch my skin. Oh, I am such as non-thinkin’, do whatever the commercials tell me, jackass”. Whah. Whah. Whah.

So what IS the deal? Is it the lack of ozone or somethin’? You mean to tell the Juice that the ozone layer depleted so much in the last few years that we have to wear this stuff day in and day out? Whatever happened to the ozone anyway? Is it still there? I remember some wordhead sayin’ some shit about a hole in the ozone only appearin' in the winter over the South Pole a few years ago. the Juice may be wrong. We all know I ain’t no scientician.

Dang! You guys are worse than a barrel full of sedated monkeys. It’s all fear these bumble fucks are sellin’ you. Coppertone must have some sort of lobby in Washington filibusterin’or somethin’. Or maybe the folks at Coppertone put some sort of brainwashin’ chemical in the sunscreen, to make you buy more. Now, wouldn't the be a Catch-22?!?!?

Know why the Juice believes that? Cause Coppertone and all the other sunscreen peddlers got the nerve to tell you to buy that stuff every year. Supposedly, it goes “bad”. Yea, right! The sunscreen folks must be in bed with the people who make crappy TV shows. It’s like dual brainwashin’. Maybe the sunscreen weakens your resistance and the TV show brainwashes you. the Juice maybe onto somethin’ here. I can see it now. As you put the shit on, you get hypnotized by the subliminal messages runnin’ thru the TV. “Wear more suncreen. Watch “Yes, Dear” on CBS.” It’s the only way to explain the rampant success of Banana Boat and shows like Friends.


What the hell happened to us? Fifteen years ago you all were wearin’ baby oil to sizzle yourselves down. Now look, the Juice ain’t sayin’ that was such a good idear either. But this fear of the sun is ri-goddamn-diculous. Back when I was a kid, we walked 27 miles in the snow. No, really. When the Juice was a kid our sunscreen was a fuckin' white t-shirt. And that was after your shoulders were already gettin' red. Which, by today’s standards is too late. It’s not too hard to figure out it’s the sunburn that damages your skin. Not sun exposure. People have been workin’, playin’ and fuckin’ (now that’s a sweet thought. Lets give that a moment’s consideration, shall we? Some sweet thing gettin' nailed in the mid-day sun. Hang on a sec, I’ll be right back………………..oh, that nice!) in the sun for thousands of years. Why is it within the last decade has the sun become so bad? the Juice is by no means tellin’ you to go get a tan at one of those tannin' salons, either. That’s seriously ungood. And if you’re fair skinned or have melanoma for the love of the Christ, stay the hell out of the sun. I’m also not tryin' to sell you on the healthy tan bit, either. But give me a cotton-pickin’ break here. You can put the hat, the long sleeves and the Crisco away for 5 minutes!!!!

Here’s some interestin’ information for you. You need the sun!!!  No shit!!! Your body needs the UV from sunlight. Sun exposure creates vitamin D. Yes, the Juice actually did some homework on this one. 'Cause, believe you me, I ain’t that smart.  Just don't ask the Juice to cite any sources.  The Juice's strong suit sure as shit isn't citin'

Besides, have any of you even given a second thought to what the fuck you're slatherin' layer upon layer on yourself? Have you ever looked at the ingredients on the bottle of that stuff? Octinoxate? Oxybenzone? Octisalate? What the hell is all that shit? And they’ve got nerve tellin’ you that the stuff goes bad after a season. Most of that stuff is probably from industrial waste and has a half life of 75 years. I bet in another ten years we’ll be findin’ out that the chemicals in sunscreen are worse than anythin’ the sun could do to you.

And I don’t want to be hearin’ from my lawyer about new lawsuits from any of you pasty white idiots, either. Just because you got it in your head, supposedly from me, that the sun was alright, you decided to lie at the beach in Mexico without any sunscreen and got sun poisonin’. Well, aren’t you a fuckin’ idiot!?!?!  That doesn’t mean it’s my fault, though. Take some responsibility for your actions for once in your life!!! Use your head. It’s common sense, douche bag.

Now where’s my baby oil?