Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: What should have happened

One of the Juice's favorite movies is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. We're talkin' the original here, not that awful re-make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Ughhhh...what a waste of Taxpayer's money.

Now, even though the Juice is a big fan of Wonka, there's still some things left to be desired. Mostly involvin' the first half of the movie. Much to the chagrin of the rest of the Brockman Crue, the Juice mostly fast forwards through most of the beginnin'. The Juice dislikes the beginnin' so much, that I've taken it upon myself to re-write portions of it. I know. I know. I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin': "Why, the Juice? Why?" Well, if that's what you're thinkin', then you should probably click here. The rest of us will be waitin' for ya on the other side...



The Juice's re-write takes place when Charlie's in the house with his family, after he finds the cash in the gutter. Good ol' Charlie goes into the candy store and buys a Wonka bar. That m'fer scarfs that bitch down. My man Charlie is so fuckin' good hearted that he buys another bar to share with Grandpa Joe with the left over change. He is a kid after all, and everyone knows kids are selfish turd, he opens up the candy and finds the golden ticket. After bein' mobbed by equally selfish adults, Charlie high-tails it home. He burst through the front door, wavin' that golden ticket like a kid havin' a seizure. And the, Grandpa Joe, who’s been in bed for 20 years, climbs his worthless skinny ass out of bed. This is where the Juice picks up the story….

Grandpa Joe slowly gets up. One leg after the other, he gets out of bed. Charlie stands there stunned. Grandpa Joe starts singing, and amazingly, begins dancing around. Charlie’s temperature begins to rise. He watches in a mixture of horror and amazement as his grandfather prances around the tiny house. Finally, he snaps.

“You’ve got some fucking nerve!” Charlie said, slack-jawed.

Grandpa Joe stops mid leap. The music screeches to a halt. “What was that, Charlie?”

Charlie steps up, his face turning shades of red. “I said you’ve got some fucking nerve, old man.”

“Charlie!” The other grandparents shout in near unison.

“What?" Charlie glares at all of them. "This fucker lays in bed for twenty fuck years and you yell at me? Why don’t you yell at his lazy ass for a change.”

“Charlie!” His mom shrills, flabbergasted.

“Wait. Wait a second. Let me get this straight. I win the golden ticket and all of the sudden you can walk?” Charlie said pointing his finger menacingly at his grandfather. “What the fuck is that all about?”

“No, it’s not like that at all, Charlie” Grandpa Joe pleads

“Like hell it isn’t, you lazy fuck. I’ve been busting my balls, going to school, eating cabbage water, while you lie on your ass. I buy you smokes, you ungrateful bastard. And this is what I get?” Charlie asked, pacing the creaky wooden floor. “You mean to tell me you could have been working all this time?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Well, I do! You are a lazy bastard!”

“Charlie!” his mother said exasperated.

And, end scene. I know. I know. Where's the rest. What happens next? Does Charlie storm out? Does Charlie buy that sawed off shot gun and lay some retribution? I don't know. Sorry. Sorry to disappoint you again. I promise it won't happen again, Dad. I promise. Please don't hurt me, Dad. Please, please?